Angels in Waiting

This post is going to be a difficult one for me to write and probably difficult for some of our family to read, but the words I am about to share are ones that I want to make sure are heard before Keagan is born.

Music is extremely therapeutic for me and the song "Angels in Waiting" hit me tonight as I was thinking of what to title to this post. I know this song has some truth in Keagan's life and pray it doesn't hold significance in other ways. Certainly our family and Keagan have been "treasuring time [and] leaving behind sweet memories." Roy and I have literally given Keagan life and have done our best to allow him to "live life through [us]." We pray he won't have pain though and that he will get to grow old! Aside from the meaning found in Keagan's life, I also think of our loved ones who have gone before him. Nearly all of them were taken away from pain when they were given their wings and I know they are "angels in waiting for me," but what pulls at my heart more tonight is that they are angels in waiting for baby Keagan.

Keagan's angels in waiting from our close family are my grandma Halterman and my grandma Coy, Roy's Uncle Clyde, uncle Raymond, his cousin Kimmy, his grandma Bernice, grandma Stella and of course, Keagan's Nana Mary. Each of these people were so important in our lives growing up. They helped make us into the people we are today, which has allowed us to be the parents we are to Keagan. They are missed more than you can imagine, but we believe wholeheartedly they are with us each and every day. They know exactly what we are going through and are there when we are sad, scared, and frustrated, there when we got to experience the joy of seeing Keagan on the ultrasound screen and there when he experiences his "firsts." We are so glad that they will be there with Keagan if his life on Earth is short. It brings us peace and joy knowing that he will be in heaven with so many family members who love him and who can tell him stories about his mommy and daddy as they all watch over us.

As I said, each of Keagan's angels are so special and we love them so much. Right now though, I am going to spend a little extra time talking about one of Keagan's angels - his Nana Mary. Several of you may have known Roy's mom or at least have heard stories about her, but I going to share a little about her for those of you who didn't have priviledge of knowing her. My mother-in-law Mary was one of the most kind-hearted people I have ever known. She always put others ahead of herself; even when she was sick, she would try to find ways to help anyone and everyone else. She was an amazing woman of faith and put all of her heart and all of her trust in God. Several people loved to pray with Mary because of the combination of these two things - her pure and loving heart and her unfailing faith. Mary was an amazing example of what a Godly woman should act like. Aside from that (but not really because her faith was evident in everything she did), she had a great sense of humor, was a wonderful cook and loved going to garage sales. Mary wanted nothing more than to have more grandchildren so at garage sales, she would always buy things for the grandbabies, mind you this was before we got pregnant, and would sometimes drop things off directly to our house so Roy's dad wouldn't know :) We realized after she received her diagnosis of cancer, that she may have been buying these things more often because she knew she wouldn't be around when the babies were actually here.

Mary passed away in August 2012 after a two-year battle with cancer. We believe that when she got to heaven, she must have told God it was time for us to have a baby because we conceived just about two weeks after she passed away. We were so thrilled to be pregnant, but there were times when Roy or I would get upset knowing that if we would have gotten pregnant just a month before, then we would have gotten to see Mary's face light up when we told her our news. We know everything happened in perfect timing, but to think about this still makes me sad. I also know though that Mary was celebrating in heaven when we found out! Before Mary passed away, I asked Roy if he would ask her to write a letter to our future children so when we told them about her we could also share with them words directly from her. This is the note she wrote to our babies, her future grandchildren. Although it is only a few sentences long, it is so cherished and the words are so heartfelt that they speak the words of a chapter book.

To my family and grandbabies,
I looked forward to having grandchildren. I know you'll be beautiful babies and mind your parents. You have such wonderful parents-to-be. I know they'll tell you how much Nana loved you. I got you lots of things. I may not be here but I watch down from heaven to see you.

Love, Nana

 

I am so glad that our family has Mary and so many other family members and friends looking down on us, especially as we have gone through this journey. I know they will be helping us get through the delivery process and holding us afterwards - whatever the outcome may be. And as I said before, if Keagan's does not live long on Earth, at least Nana and several of our other family members will be with him. If he is not here with us, then at least I know he will be surrounded by some of the most wonderful people from our lives when he is in Heaven . Roy told me after learning of Keagan's diagnosis that when his cousin Kimmy passed away, he listened to one song on repeat - Jesus Rocking Chair. Between "Angels in Waiting" and "Jesus Rocking Chair," we find peace and know we don't have to worry about Keagan whenever he may go to heaven. We pray that is later rather than sooner, and it will definitely be difficult but we thank God for allowing our family to be together in such an wonderful place where they will wait for us until we can all spend eternity together with no pain, no sickness, no worry, and no fear. Wherever Keagan is after birth, I am certain our little guy will be well-taken care of and of course greatly loved.

Angels in Waiting

Jesus Rocking Chair

 

In closing, I would like to share a poem that my mom gave us when Roy's mom passed away. This was a poem that was given to her when her mom passed away. I know she didn't know how this would apply to our lives in the months to follow, but it is very fitting for this post tonight and for us as we prepare for what the next few weeks may bring us.

When I Must Leave You

When I must leave you

For a little while -

Please do not grieve

And shed wild tears

And hug your sorrow to you

Through the years,

But start out bravely

With a gallant smile;

And for my sake

And in my name

Live on and do

All things the same,

Feed not your loneliness

On empty days,

But fill each waking hour

In useful ways,

Reach out your hand

In comfort and cheer

And I in turn will comfort you

And hold you near;

And never, never

Be afraid to die,

For I am waiting for you in the sky!