Fluid Check #5

Today was another bittersweet day - we had our last ultrasound this morning. This of course means we'll get to hold our baby boy in our arms soon, but it was also the last time that we were guaranteed that we would see him alive and active. This is an extremely hard thought to process and made for an emotional day. We are so thankful for all of our ultrasounds and the more-than-usual amount of times that we have gotten to see baby Keagan, but all of that doesn't replace our desire to hold our son in our arms while he is alive, even if just for a minute. We ask that you continue to pray for Keagan's healing, but if he is not healed, that you pray for the length of his life.
Here are some of the medical details from today's fluid check. Keagan is measuring big still; he is actually in something like the 80th percentile. I am 36 weeks 6 days, but his stomach is measuring 37 weeks 4 days I believe, and his legs are measuring 38 weeks 3 days! Beth, our wonderful ultrasound tech, also let us know that he is estimated to be weighing 7 pounds 4 ounces! Dr. Niemi said this number can be a pound off in either direction so we should be expecting a 7-8.5 pound baby if we go to full-term. I love it! :) What I don't love is that Roy and I bet what he would weigh after seeing his measurments. I had 6lbs.8oz. up to 7lbs.1oz. and Roy had 7lbs.2oz. and above. Well as you can see, Roy was right and now I have to go see Star Trek this weekend - anyone want to give me an excuse not to go!? :) Okay back to the appointment - my fluid is measuring 23 cm this week, which is a little high but not too concerning since we are so close to the end of our pregnancy. Everything else is looking good! Keagan's heartrate was 125 this morning and then 130 at our appointment this afternoon. (It was 132 at our heartbeat check last week; I never had a chance to post about that appointment.)
We met another doctor in the high risk group today, so now we have met all of them. My understanding is they aren't really involved in our delivery, but at least we've met them all just in case. Our doctor today though was great and helped make our last appointment enjoyable. And of course, Beth was there again. She has been so great throughout our pregnancy and we are very appreciative of the fact that we got to have her as our technician every time and that she was so kind, understanding and easy-going. It was a little funny today because Papaw had to go to the doctor for himself this morning so he wasn't able to come to the ultrasound. When Beth came out to get Roy, Gramma and I, one of the first things she said was "You're missing one of your crew members!" We went back to the room only to see that she had the three chairs set-up next to my chair, knowing that usually all four of us are there. These little things meant so much. Beth has definitely been a blessing in our journey, so Beth if you make it to this site, thank you again!
Okay....cute stuff now :) Keagan had his hands up by his face the whole time and was right up against me like usual. We got to see him stretching, taking a drink (we think), sucking his thumb (again, we think...but that's the first time we've seen that so we're definitely going with it!), and of course just being as adorable as ever. Here are the last pictures of Keagan while in the womb. Also, Beth worked extra hard to pull the videos off from last month, so we now have those too!! Very grateful for that!

 

Beth pointed out that he really looks like a newborn baby here! We totally agree - he looks so perfect and peaceful. His eyes also look much better than they did, even compared to a month ago. They don't really look like they are "bulging" anymore. We obviously love him the same regardless, but thought this was another small blessing in today's appointment.

 

Not cooperating very much - rotten little boy! :)

Roy really wanted a picture of Keagan's little butt. Strange request, but oh well!

Sorry baby boy, it's too cute not to share with the world.

 

I'm not sure if these videos are going to work on here, but I thought I would try so you all could see him moving around in there as well. This movement is all him!

In this video, I love that you can see Keagan opening his mouth and, as Gramma pointed out, it looks like he is swallowing.

 

 

My First Mother's Day

Today was a bittersweet day - I loved getting to celebrate my first Mother's Day, but it also brought pain to know this could be the only Mother's Day I get to spend with Keagan here on Earth. Just as we do with each day though, I did everything I could to make it an enjoyable and memorable day. Roy was coaching all weekend, so I spent all weekend with my mom and dad. While Keagan and I definitely missed Daddy, it was nice to have this time with my parents.

Because Roy was going to be gone all weekend, he had Keagan give me a gift on Friday. I cannot adequately describe the card without quoting it directly, so I have put a picture of it below. Keagan's (with daddy's help) words were so touching and meant the world to me. I also received this amazing "Mommy & Me" picture frame. I cannot wait to find the perfect picture to put in it. I feel like I'm going to have a hard time deciding where to put the frame in our house because I'm going to want it everywhere, so I may end up moving it around to different rooms with me :) I definitely want to thank Roy for this perfect gift and for starting off my weekend in such a great way. He told me I also need to thank my family though. My mom had seen this frame a little while back and when Roy said he would like to get it for me, she went back to get it only to find that it was no longer at the store. This began the "ultimate state of Ohio picture frame search" according to Roy. Gramma, Papaw, Uncle Brian and Allie looked in every Hallmark possible. Papaw told me he pulled up Hallmark on his GPS, and just started calling every one that came up to ask if they had the frame. Supposedly there were "Mom & Me" frames but that wasn't good enough :) Papaw was the one who ended up locating the perfect frame about an hour and half from home, but after many more hours of driving around. So thank you to my family for your efforts; they defintely didn't go unnoticed!

Today, mom and dad gave me two cards, of course, and a gift certificate for a pedicure. I have never had a pedicure before and don't really like people touching my feet, but I think it is going to be really relaxing (once I get over the initial "shock"). Mom thinks its going to be funny to watch, so one of these days I'm sure you'll see pictures on here! The cards were perfect, but as I've said before, we don't expect any less from mom. :) What touched me more though was the handwritten note. It amazes me how my parents can support us so much through this and be so understanding and loving all while experiencing pain in the situation themselves. Thank you so much to both of you for helping to make this a great first Mother's Day for me, but also for what you do day-in and day-out. 

Keagan, Gramma, Papaw and I went to church this morning where all of the mom's were showered with love, but I received an extra special gift. I can't recall if I have talked about this here, but after a few of the women in the church learned about our situation, they started a prayer group. We meet each Sunday before church and pray for several needs, never failing to pray for our family and of course for Keagan's healing. To my surprise this morning, one of the amazing women, Raven, shared a beautiful message that meant so much to me and she finished by letting me know that all of the women had made something for me. I then received this beautiful flower pot that was filled with flowers that attract butterflies and decorated with a quote and the precious feet of Raven's baby boy. The women put a lot of thought of what quote or line to put on the flower pot, and then decided on this one that my mom had found: "A child is a butterfly in the wind." When we got home, mom shared the poem with me that this line came from. How perfect and true these words are. "A child is a butterfly in the wind, some can fly higher than others; but each one flies the best it can. Why compare one against the other. Each one is different! Each one is special! Each one is beautiful!" Thank you so much to the women in our prayer group for this gift, and an even bigger thank you to each of you and the rest of the church for the unfailing support that you have provided us while we are on this journey. You so openly accepted us and loved on us without question when we needed (need, really...not necessarily past tense) it most.

 

 

I also received this gift from our church along with all of the other mothers - a notepad and flower pen. I love that the notepad has a butterfly on it. How fitting!  

 

And this cute mini-rose plant was given to me by Roy's dad and his church. So many plants that are absolutely beautiful that I am going to do my best to keep alive (not my strong suit)!!!

I really wanted to create a special memory with Keagan today to help me remember my first Mother's Day with our baby boy, so mom and I went to have a Mother's Day Photo Shoot! One day at school I was talking about taking pictures in a dandelion field because of Keagan's nursery and the significance we have found in them. This week Rainie told me the field behind her house had tons of dandelion seeds and that we were welcome to out and take pictures there. I was considering asking one of our friends or family members who are photographers to take these pictures for me, but Rainie thought we should try to get out there sooner rather than later so the farmer didn't mow the field and I did not want to bother any of them on Mother's Day. So, mom was my professional photographer for the day, and we ended up with some awesome pictures. Talk about a multi-talented mom :) Thank you Rainie for thinking of us and for letting us come out to your property! Thank you mom for putting me ahead of yourself again and doing this special something for me when it was your day too!

 

As I said above, this was obviously a day for my mom as well. I can say that my mom is the most amazing woman in my life. She is so loving, generous, thoughtful and caring. I am a lucky girl to have her as my mom and to have her as a role model, showing me what it means to love your child unconditionally. Because of the love she has shown me throughout life, I know how to love Keagan with my whole heart. My mom and I have always loved spending time together, and I am so glad that we have been able to build special memories together with Keagan. I don't know that Keagan realizes how lucky he is to have his Gramma, or his Nana in heaven for that matter, but I know they both love him more than he would ever be able to understand and because of that he is the luckiest boy on Earth. I have the best Mom, and he has the best Gramma, and we love both love you so much Mom!

Keagan gave his Gramma a few plants for Mother's Day. They are called "Blue Fortune" Agastache. We gave Gramma this "card" below explaining why we picked these plants.

 

Happy Mother's Day to my mom, my sister, all the other mommies out there and to me from my precious baby boy! Thank you to everyone who helped make my first Mother's Day so special. I pray that whatever a year from now brings that I can look back to today and be reminded of the joy I had in spending the day with my happy, active little boy. I know that no matter what, Keagan will be with me next year and celebrating one way or another. I love being a mommy, especially to this special little boy. I will forever enjoy the fact that I have the honor of being a mother; of protecting, carrying and caring for our son, Keagan David, even if only for nine months but loving him forever.

 

Keagan's First...

Picnic and Trip to the Zoo!

Keagan and I definitely took advantage of the beautiful weather this weekend, spending a lot of quality time with Gramma, Aunt Jess and Carson. It was an absolutely perfect weekend, that completely exhausted me! (I realized after this weekend that I need to slow down a little bit - I still feel great but by the time 8:00 hits I am completely exhausted or feeling sick from doing too much hence why I have missed a few posts recently.)

On Saturday, we all went to Keagan's 4D ultrasound in the morning and then went us girls and the babies went "shoppin' shoppin' shoppin" (that's for you, Gramma and Papaw!) while the men worked on the pool deck at Gramma and Papaw's. We went to a few garage sales, a craft show, and Keagan got to meet his new cousin, Connor - what a cutie! After we got back from the wonderful craft show, we went back to Gramma and Papaw's to have a picnic. While we were there, Keagan and I helped a little with the pool deck because I can't just sit back and watch something being built without stepping in to help. So now we can say Keagan has built a pool deck - how many babies can say that!? Again, the weather was beautiful and we loved getting to spend this time together with Gramma, Aunt Jess and Carson. I think Carson enjoyed it to, except for the fact that he did everything he could to stay on the blanket and out of the grass. If he would accidentally put his hand or foot into the grass he would make a look that I can only describe as disgust and pull the body part back in as quickly as he could. It was pretty adorable! And even though he did not like the grass, Gramma was able to get him to pick some dandelions - one of which he gave to his mommy and one he (with the help of Aunt Jess of course) gave to Keagan to give to me. This little gesture meant so much to me!

 

On Sunday, thanks to Aunt Jess we were able to take the boys to the zoo and had a great time showing them the animals. We saw tons of monkeys, the manatees (Gramma's favorite) and a few baby animals. Aside from seeing the animals, Keagan and Carson also shared a first of riding the carousel. Carson looked pretty terrified to go on it, but he ended up enjoying it even though he had to sit in a chariot instead of on a horse. Because Jess and Carson were in a chariot and I wanted Keagan and I to be right next to them, I didn't have a choice in the horse we were on. Well of course, the horse beside the chariot was as high as it could go making it quite the task to get on it. I accomplished it, with absolutely no grace mind you, and looked at mom who wanted me to get off and do it again so she could take a picture! It wasn't that important to have a picture :)

 

Thanks for the awesome weekend Gramma, Aunt Jess and Carson! We love you!

 

I thought this picture of Carson and Gramma looking at the sting ray was absolutely adorable. Carson was very interested in the sting ray and as Gramma pointed it out to him, he realized he needed to look under his stroller tray to best see it. Jess tried to move the tray, but he was perfectly content looking at it by peeking down his own way!

 

While us girls and the babies were at the zoo, Daddy was coaching his last (for his team) volleyball tournament in Columbus. We stopped to watch him for a little bit, and I thought his team was playing really well but when he told me they were playing for gold I was pleasantly surprised and excited for them. Because of how they did, Keagan also got his first medal this weekend - a gold in the OVR Volleyball tournament! Daddy was very proud to be able to give this to our son!

 

 

When we look at you we are filled with love and joy as time stands still!

Thanks to Papaw and Gramma, we were able to go for another 4D ultrasound yesterday. When I called to schedule this appointment and told them I was going to be 35 weeks at this point, the receptionist sounded a little concerned and said "Oh, we need to get you in here quick." I explained our situation, which she recalled after I started talking, and expressed to her that we knew there was a chance we wouldn't get very good pictures but we wanted to come in and see our baby one more time. We were so excited to see not only see Keagan, but to see the differences from his previous 4D ultrasound at 25 weeks and this one. I was also very happy that Gramma, Papaw and Uncle Brian got to come again and that Aunt Jessica, Uncle Travis and Carson were able to come this time as well!

Mr. Keagan did not disappoint....at all! The technician was worried he might be too low or spine up or just too smooshed in there for us to be able to get any clear pictures, but that was fortunately not the case! Keagan was in the same spot as always! Hopefully that's a good sign that we'll be able to go full-term! He was a little curled up at first, but the technician just had me adjust the way I was laying which helped by itself but also woke Keagan up so that helped even more.

For the first time today, we were able to see his tongue, see him yawn, see two special body parts (you'll see below!), and see the top of his head. Previously this technician thought that he had skin covering the top of his head, but now we are no longer sure. In the image we saw, the top of his head looked wavy. I asked if she thought that was exposed brain matter - she said it could be or it could be hair. We are praying for the latter, but are preparing for the first. If you could please pray for the same we would greatly appreciate it! Regardless, Keagan is still perfect and sweet and as cute as a button!

With 197 (an all-time record at First Expressions) pictures, it was a little difficult to narrow it down to just a few to share here but these are some of the best pictures of sweet baby Keagan from his 35 week 4D ultrasound:

Perfect defined features - we have determined Daddy's lips and Mommy's nose :)

We are in love with his chubby cheeks! Aunt Becky and Daddy will have to fight back the desire to pinch them, as that is something they still love doing to eachother!

He is just so sweet and adorable. I loved that we got to see his ear in this picture, recalling when we first saw his ears on a previous ultrasound and the joy those two little body parts brought us.

One of the few full face shots we have of baby K - so thankful for this picture

About five minutes after I said "Oh there's his ear!" (in the picture above), Keagan got really active and decided he would let us see both sides of his face, so obviously both ears as well, by swaying his head back in forth. Thanks baby boy :)

Everyone determined he has my pouty face, which I think is an adorable look for him, so I'll agree with that!

This is a big ol' smile, tongue showing and all! I love the joy in his face here - brings a smile to my face everytime I look at it

Followed a few minutes later by a big yawn - 40 minutes of showing off was enough for our little guy, it was time for a nap.

Here is another full face shot of our precious son, covered a little by his arm and hand going up over his head. He is an absolutely perfect (chubby) baby boy and who is loved beyond measure!

Heartbeat Check #9

Today was the last time we would have an appointment solely to check Keagan's heartbeat, so of course Keagan had to make it fun! Our doctor found his heartbeat with relative ease, but then Keagan started to play tag. Within about three seconds of the doctor finding his heartbeat, Keagan started to move. The doctor tried to find it again and everytime I thought it sounded like he had found it, Keagan would move again and he would have to keep searching. Finally, our doctor chuckled and said "Wow, I can definitely see that he's moving!" With that, he stopped playing with baby K and let me know that his heart rate today was about 140, with which I was of course very satisfied. I absolutely love feeling him moving around and experiencing his "little rascal"-as Papaw put it-personality!

As we are nearing the end of this pregnancy (hard to believe only 5 more weeks until Keagan's due date!), more and more frequently people kindly ask how I am feeling. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been easy in terms of physical aspects. I feel as though I still have a good amount of energy, I have not been feeling sick or really having that much pain or discomfort and I am still able to wear certain pre-maternity pants on occassion which I think is crazy! So again, I am so thankful for the physical side of things going well. On the other hand, the emotional side of our pregnancy has of course been a rollercoaster ride, as is to be expected. We experience so much joy, pride and love because of Keagan. We have learned to live in the moment and make the most of the time we have. And while Roy and I do our best to stay positive and focus on the purpose and what good can come of our situation, it is not easy and there are times when we just break down. Unfortunately today during the doctor's appointment was one of those times for me.

As I sat in the lobby of the office waiting for my name to be called, I was people watching (of course!) and processing some different aspects of our pregnancy. I watched as a girl with multiple disabilities did everything she could to lead a "normal" life; I observed her succeeding at this and doing so with a great amount of joy and kindness in her heart. As a special education teacher and, now, the mother of a very special baby boy, I was so happy to witness this. It made me hope for sweet baby Keagan, that regardless of any perceived "defects" he would live a life, however long that may be, full of joy both for himself and for those who get to witness him living that life.

I then looked around the room to see four happy, pregnant women. In the United States, anencephaly occurs in 1 in 1000 pregnancies. In this setting, I saw our situation as 1 in 5. While I do not know the specifics of any of the other women that were in the lobby, as I looked around I became frustrated that one of the women did not seem to care too much about her pregnancies, yet Roy and I desire to have a healthy son and care to the greatest extent possible but we were the 1 in 5 whose baby is not expected to live long or possibly may not even survive birth. I know that I am in no place to judge other and my frustation does not mean we regret our baby by any means, but instead I think these are normal feelings for anyone in our situation. Knowing this, I did my best to fight thoughts and the lies that came into my head, and instead brought the following to the front of my mind - I believe it is because Roy and I care so much that we have the priviledge, not the burden as some see it, of parenting such a spectacular son! Our pregnancy is so unique, and our son is so special - our lives and the lives of so many around us are forever changed because we are "1 in 5" (truly, 1 in 1000).

When I was called back to the room, I was emotional from the thoughts I had been processing in the lobby. I am so thankful for an amazing doctor who truly cares about our situation, our lives and the life of our son. He took the time to talk to me about what I was thinking and helped to calm me down. During this time he communicated that he believed it was great that while expressing my thoughts,  I had said "Roy and I know there is a purpose for this." That is one thing that we are certain of and one of the large concepts that keeps us grounded - Keagan is fulfilling a God-given purpose. In his 35 week life, his life and our family's story has reached thousands, all over the world. Not many people can say the same for their own lives, and it is these thoughts that help bring me back to the joy and overcome the frustration, fear and increasing anxiety I experience daily.

Keagan David, you are a gift and I thank God each day for allowing me to be your mom!

 

 

Fluid Check #4

Today's fluid check went really well! Keagan's heart rate was 139 and my fluid level was 17! Seventeen is a perfectly normal fluid level for this stage in the pregnancy - praise God! I asked Beth, our ultrasound technician, if there was a way they could watch the fluid flow which would allow us to determine if Keagan is swallowing or not. She said that he must be swallowing because my fluid level is normal. More good news! She also said that is was normal for the fluid level to fluctuate, so the fact that it was 20 before and now 17 doesn't have much significance. We are so thankful that I have not developed polyhydraminos as this can be very uncomfortable according to my anencephaly mom's support group. Several people have asked me my plans with work to which I always respond I plan to work until our last school day unless Keagan comes early. I love my job, my co-workers and my students - the latter is truly what gets me through most days and I am grateful for that fact. All of that is to say I am glad I do not have polyhydraminos because I think that could make it difficult to make it through a work day and I hope to be there through the remainder of the year. Now, back to the appointment. Keagan's stomach is measuring right on, at 33 weeks 5 days but his arms and legs are measuring about a week ahead. It is now estimated that he weighs 5 pounds 3 ounces. I have a few special outfits I ordered for Keagan early on after we learned of his diagnosis. One was a micro-preemie size and the other a small preemie. I think its safe to say after today's appointment I will be returning them for a larger size :) (It is funny though that even though Keagan is measuring ahead and my fluid is normal, my stomach is measuring 31 weeks as of today - one of the benefits of being tall I suppose!) For the first time today we were able to see his diaphragm contracting and expanding which I believe is a good sign for his ability to breath! It is amazing how almost every appointment we receive little blessings and miracles. While Keagan may not have a long life for us to learn to notice and appreciate the wonderful things about being parents, God is definitely allowing us to have a similar experience in the months that we have with him. We are so blessed, so pleased and so proud of our perfect baby boy.

With the medical details out of the way, we can get on to the cute stuff. Keagan was really active this morning (his activity level has been amazing us recently), and he made Beth work hard to get cute pictures. She is so wonderful and patient though, so we ended up with some awesome shots. She actually captured a few adorable 3D videos and said she was going to put them on our disc for us, but when I got home and looked at the files to my dismay they were not there. We are praying they are stored in the system so maybe she can still try to pull them off for us! Thankfully we do have some still-shots from today that are equally as cute. Keagan was making some funny faces - opening his mouth and throwing his head back (a yawn maybe...?), a kissy face, sucking his bottom lip in (he must have learned that from his cousin, Carson!), and a grumpy face. Some of these were just caught in the videos, but I have included some of the pictures below. It was amazing how he filled up the whole screen today. We only saw parts of his leg, arm and spine. Beth was able to get his whole stomach on the screen, but that in itself took up the entire screen. She said as he gets bigger, it is going to be more difficult to get good pictures of him just because there is less room in my belly. I noticed today that I had a harder time than usual figuring out what things were probably for the same reason. All of these pictures are just of his face, so hopefully you will be able to figure everything out :)

 

Perhaps a little smirk....

There is where we thought he looked a little frustrated that we interrupted his morning exercises. So maybe grumpy, but still cute as ever!

 

 In both of these pictures (above and below) he has fist with his index finger pointing out up by his lip. This looks similar to the sign for candy - maybe he was trying to tell me something (I'll take any excuse to eat candy!)

 

 

After today's ultrasound, we met another doctor on the high risk team. He told us that there was no medical reason to have another fluid check because everything is looking the way it should. However, he still gave us the option to have one more if we desired. I looked to Roy, my mom and my dad who were all slightly nodding their heads. I responded we would like to have one more; even though we are thankful there is no medical reason, seeing Keagan one more time is more than enough reason in itself!