Heartbeat Check #9

Today was the last time we would have an appointment solely to check Keagan's heartbeat, so of course Keagan had to make it fun! Our doctor found his heartbeat with relative ease, but then Keagan started to play tag. Within about three seconds of the doctor finding his heartbeat, Keagan started to move. The doctor tried to find it again and everytime I thought it sounded like he had found it, Keagan would move again and he would have to keep searching. Finally, our doctor chuckled and said "Wow, I can definitely see that he's moving!" With that, he stopped playing with baby K and let me know that his heart rate today was about 140, with which I was of course very satisfied. I absolutely love feeling him moving around and experiencing his "little rascal"-as Papaw put it-personality!

As we are nearing the end of this pregnancy (hard to believe only 5 more weeks until Keagan's due date!), more and more frequently people kindly ask how I am feeling. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been easy in terms of physical aspects. I feel as though I still have a good amount of energy, I have not been feeling sick or really having that much pain or discomfort and I am still able to wear certain pre-maternity pants on occassion which I think is crazy! So again, I am so thankful for the physical side of things going well. On the other hand, the emotional side of our pregnancy has of course been a rollercoaster ride, as is to be expected. We experience so much joy, pride and love because of Keagan. We have learned to live in the moment and make the most of the time we have. And while Roy and I do our best to stay positive and focus on the purpose and what good can come of our situation, it is not easy and there are times when we just break down. Unfortunately today during the doctor's appointment was one of those times for me.

As I sat in the lobby of the office waiting for my name to be called, I was people watching (of course!) and processing some different aspects of our pregnancy. I watched as a girl with multiple disabilities did everything she could to lead a "normal" life; I observed her succeeding at this and doing so with a great amount of joy and kindness in her heart. As a special education teacher and, now, the mother of a very special baby boy, I was so happy to witness this. It made me hope for sweet baby Keagan, that regardless of any perceived "defects" he would live a life, however long that may be, full of joy both for himself and for those who get to witness him living that life.

I then looked around the room to see four happy, pregnant women. In the United States, anencephaly occurs in 1 in 1000 pregnancies. In this setting, I saw our situation as 1 in 5. While I do not know the specifics of any of the other women that were in the lobby, as I looked around I became frustrated that one of the women did not seem to care too much about her pregnancies, yet Roy and I desire to have a healthy son and care to the greatest extent possible but we were the 1 in 5 whose baby is not expected to live long or possibly may not even survive birth. I know that I am in no place to judge other and my frustation does not mean we regret our baby by any means, but instead I think these are normal feelings for anyone in our situation. Knowing this, I did my best to fight thoughts and the lies that came into my head, and instead brought the following to the front of my mind - I believe it is because Roy and I care so much that we have the priviledge, not the burden as some see it, of parenting such a spectacular son! Our pregnancy is so unique, and our son is so special - our lives and the lives of so many around us are forever changed because we are "1 in 5" (truly, 1 in 1000).

When I was called back to the room, I was emotional from the thoughts I had been processing in the lobby. I am so thankful for an amazing doctor who truly cares about our situation, our lives and the life of our son. He took the time to talk to me about what I was thinking and helped to calm me down. During this time he communicated that he believed it was great that while expressing my thoughts,  I had said "Roy and I know there is a purpose for this." That is one thing that we are certain of and one of the large concepts that keeps us grounded - Keagan is fulfilling a God-given purpose. In his 35 week life, his life and our family's story has reached thousands, all over the world. Not many people can say the same for their own lives, and it is these thoughts that help bring me back to the joy and overcome the frustration, fear and increasing anxiety I experience daily.

Keagan David, you are a gift and I thank God each day for allowing me to be your mom!