We actually had a heartbeat check last week, on Monday the 8th. I signed in for my appointment only to find out after waiting that I had come a week early. While I was frustrated with myself, I was also kind of proud at the same time that I made it that far without getting appointments dates and times mixed up! My doctor decided to go ahead and see me, which I appreciated especially after having been in the emergency room the previous week. (I was having a lot of difficult breathing. I waited 10 hours before calling my doctor and they advised me to go the ER to rule out a blood clot, which they were able to do!) Keagan's heart rate was 140. We are so happy that he continues to grow and be strong. I mentioned to my doctor that the ultrasound technician had told us Keagan weighed 4 pounds 3 ounces at our last appointment. I questioned if he knew how this was determined (referring to whether a measurement of his skull was used). After looking at the report from the hospital, he said the weight estimation was based only on the measurements they could get so it must be accurate for him. Saying he is a big boy never gets old; it brings me so much joy! His movements have gotten really noticeable and there have been times where I think if I was looking at my stomach at the exact right time that I could see one of his body parts pushing out on my stomach. Today during school, I think his elbow, hand or foot must have been pushing on me because I could defintely feel some sort of defined shape. I so wanted to lift my shirt up just a little to see what it was, but I was right in the middle of teaching so obviously that wouldn't have worked out too well :)
With each day, each minute, each movement I grow closer to our son. I have such a bond with him and I pray he knows my voice and understands the extent of my love. Having these thoughts now always brings me back to the few days after the ultrasound which revealed the fatal birth defect that turned our world upside down and made it stand still that way. I am so thankful that we made the decision we did and that we found a way to continue to live life but with a new perspective and a new purpose. Since we have made our decision to continue our pregnancy I have been reading a few books. Several of them came highly recommended and one which I would recommend to others in our position or even to anyone who is coming into contact with someone in our position is "I Will Carry You." This book was written by a mother who decided to carry her baby to term after learning their daughter had a fatal birth defect. It is very encouraging and is a great reminder of how others struggle with this situation as well but how keeping focused on God and just enjoying the time you have with your baby will get you through. There is also a song that was written for the precious baby in this book. It is also called "I Will Carry You." I listen to this song almost every day and find so much peace, comfort and joy in the lyrics. A few of my favorite lines that really touch my heart are "People say that I am brave, but I'm not. Truth is I'm barely hanging on" and "I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you." So many times people tell Roy and I that we are so strong. While we appreciate these words and we do our best to make them true, we also have our weak times, times when we just break down and we know that is okay. We are incredibly thankful for our family and friends for being our support system all of the time, but especially when we are having moments of weakness. More importantly, we are thankful that God carries us through every minute of each day and we praise Him for that and the fact that He truly has chosen us to parent such a special baby boy and allowed us to enjoy his life to the fullest extent.
This is our time to spend with our baby, to help him grow, to connect with him, to express our love to him. So many pregnant women desire to deliver their babies and to be done as they near the end of their typical pregnancies, but to us this is the time that we get to enjoy. Once this pregnancy is over we are going to enter a period of grief and healing. So we do what we can to make the best of the time we have. I will deal with any round ligament pain, back aches and swollen feet if that means we get just another minute with Keagan. If you have been around me since we have found out that Keagan has anencephaly, you have probably noticed I frequently am holding or rubbing my belly or am just resting my hand on my stomach. This is not (typically) because of pain or even because Keagan is moving (although it often may be), it is just because this is my time to hold my baby boy and I am so glad to have this time to do that. We would love to have more time with Keagan, but we are not guaranteed anything so again, we will make the most of everyday!
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