Heartbeat Check #9

Today was the last time we would have an appointment solely to check Keagan's heartbeat, so of course Keagan had to make it fun! Our doctor found his heartbeat with relative ease, but then Keagan started to play tag. Within about three seconds of the doctor finding his heartbeat, Keagan started to move. The doctor tried to find it again and everytime I thought it sounded like he had found it, Keagan would move again and he would have to keep searching. Finally, our doctor chuckled and said "Wow, I can definitely see that he's moving!" With that, he stopped playing with baby K and let me know that his heart rate today was about 140, with which I was of course very satisfied. I absolutely love feeling him moving around and experiencing his "little rascal"-as Papaw put it-personality!

As we are nearing the end of this pregnancy (hard to believe only 5 more weeks until Keagan's due date!), more and more frequently people kindly ask how I am feeling. I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been easy in terms of physical aspects. I feel as though I still have a good amount of energy, I have not been feeling sick or really having that much pain or discomfort and I am still able to wear certain pre-maternity pants on occassion which I think is crazy! So again, I am so thankful for the physical side of things going well. On the other hand, the emotional side of our pregnancy has of course been a rollercoaster ride, as is to be expected. We experience so much joy, pride and love because of Keagan. We have learned to live in the moment and make the most of the time we have. And while Roy and I do our best to stay positive and focus on the purpose and what good can come of our situation, it is not easy and there are times when we just break down. Unfortunately today during the doctor's appointment was one of those times for me.

As I sat in the lobby of the office waiting for my name to be called, I was people watching (of course!) and processing some different aspects of our pregnancy. I watched as a girl with multiple disabilities did everything she could to lead a "normal" life; I observed her succeeding at this and doing so with a great amount of joy and kindness in her heart. As a special education teacher and, now, the mother of a very special baby boy, I was so happy to witness this. It made me hope for sweet baby Keagan, that regardless of any perceived "defects" he would live a life, however long that may be, full of joy both for himself and for those who get to witness him living that life.

I then looked around the room to see four happy, pregnant women. In the United States, anencephaly occurs in 1 in 1000 pregnancies. In this setting, I saw our situation as 1 in 5. While I do not know the specifics of any of the other women that were in the lobby, as I looked around I became frustrated that one of the women did not seem to care too much about her pregnancies, yet Roy and I desire to have a healthy son and care to the greatest extent possible but we were the 1 in 5 whose baby is not expected to live long or possibly may not even survive birth. I know that I am in no place to judge other and my frustation does not mean we regret our baby by any means, but instead I think these are normal feelings for anyone in our situation. Knowing this, I did my best to fight thoughts and the lies that came into my head, and instead brought the following to the front of my mind - I believe it is because Roy and I care so much that we have the priviledge, not the burden as some see it, of parenting such a spectacular son! Our pregnancy is so unique, and our son is so special - our lives and the lives of so many around us are forever changed because we are "1 in 5" (truly, 1 in 1000).

When I was called back to the room, I was emotional from the thoughts I had been processing in the lobby. I am so thankful for an amazing doctor who truly cares about our situation, our lives and the life of our son. He took the time to talk to me about what I was thinking and helped to calm me down. During this time he communicated that he believed it was great that while expressing my thoughts,  I had said "Roy and I know there is a purpose for this." That is one thing that we are certain of and one of the large concepts that keeps us grounded - Keagan is fulfilling a God-given purpose. In his 35 week life, his life and our family's story has reached thousands, all over the world. Not many people can say the same for their own lives, and it is these thoughts that help bring me back to the joy and overcome the frustration, fear and increasing anxiety I experience daily.

Keagan David, you are a gift and I thank God each day for allowing me to be your mom!

 

 

Fluid Check #4

Today's fluid check went really well! Keagan's heart rate was 139 and my fluid level was 17! Seventeen is a perfectly normal fluid level for this stage in the pregnancy - praise God! I asked Beth, our ultrasound technician, if there was a way they could watch the fluid flow which would allow us to determine if Keagan is swallowing or not. She said that he must be swallowing because my fluid level is normal. More good news! She also said that is was normal for the fluid level to fluctuate, so the fact that it was 20 before and now 17 doesn't have much significance. We are so thankful that I have not developed polyhydraminos as this can be very uncomfortable according to my anencephaly mom's support group. Several people have asked me my plans with work to which I always respond I plan to work until our last school day unless Keagan comes early. I love my job, my co-workers and my students - the latter is truly what gets me through most days and I am grateful for that fact. All of that is to say I am glad I do not have polyhydraminos because I think that could make it difficult to make it through a work day and I hope to be there through the remainder of the year. Now, back to the appointment. Keagan's stomach is measuring right on, at 33 weeks 5 days but his arms and legs are measuring about a week ahead. It is now estimated that he weighs 5 pounds 3 ounces. I have a few special outfits I ordered for Keagan early on after we learned of his diagnosis. One was a micro-preemie size and the other a small preemie. I think its safe to say after today's appointment I will be returning them for a larger size :) (It is funny though that even though Keagan is measuring ahead and my fluid is normal, my stomach is measuring 31 weeks as of today - one of the benefits of being tall I suppose!) For the first time today we were able to see his diaphragm contracting and expanding which I believe is a good sign for his ability to breath! It is amazing how almost every appointment we receive little blessings and miracles. While Keagan may not have a long life for us to learn to notice and appreciate the wonderful things about being parents, God is definitely allowing us to have a similar experience in the months that we have with him. We are so blessed, so pleased and so proud of our perfect baby boy.

With the medical details out of the way, we can get on to the cute stuff. Keagan was really active this morning (his activity level has been amazing us recently), and he made Beth work hard to get cute pictures. She is so wonderful and patient though, so we ended up with some awesome shots. She actually captured a few adorable 3D videos and said she was going to put them on our disc for us, but when I got home and looked at the files to my dismay they were not there. We are praying they are stored in the system so maybe she can still try to pull them off for us! Thankfully we do have some still-shots from today that are equally as cute. Keagan was making some funny faces - opening his mouth and throwing his head back (a yawn maybe...?), a kissy face, sucking his bottom lip in (he must have learned that from his cousin, Carson!), and a grumpy face. Some of these were just caught in the videos, but I have included some of the pictures below. It was amazing how he filled up the whole screen today. We only saw parts of his leg, arm and spine. Beth was able to get his whole stomach on the screen, but that in itself took up the entire screen. She said as he gets bigger, it is going to be more difficult to get good pictures of him just because there is less room in my belly. I noticed today that I had a harder time than usual figuring out what things were probably for the same reason. All of these pictures are just of his face, so hopefully you will be able to figure everything out :)

 

Perhaps a little smirk....

There is where we thought he looked a little frustrated that we interrupted his morning exercises. So maybe grumpy, but still cute as ever!

 

 In both of these pictures (above and below) he has fist with his index finger pointing out up by his lip. This looks similar to the sign for candy - maybe he was trying to tell me something (I'll take any excuse to eat candy!)

 

 

After today's ultrasound, we met another doctor on the high risk team. He told us that there was no medical reason to have another fluid check because everything is looking the way it should. However, he still gave us the option to have one more if we desired. I looked to Roy, my mom and my dad who were all slightly nodding their heads. I responded we would like to have one more; even though we are thankful there is no medical reason, seeing Keagan one more time is more than enough reason in itself!

Keagan's First...

Family Vacation!

As you may recall, Roy had given me tickets for Keagan's first family vacation back in February for Valentine's Day. This past weekend Roy, Gramma, Papaw and I took Special K to Hilton Head. This was such a special trip for us all and we created so many wonderful memories that we will forever hold dear.

Hilton Head is where my family always used to go when I was a kid, and we had talked about returning there but had not yet scheduled anything. So this was the perfect opportunity. Gramma, Papaw and I got to revisit a few places that are important to us and Roy and Keagan were able to experience the joy of Hilton Head for the first time. It was an absolutely perfect trip, and even though it was only for a weekend we packed so much into those two days.

Even though the ocean and pool water were cold (but not as cold as the Polar Plunge!) I wanted to make sure Keagan spent some time in both. Keagan and I were the only ones to go out into the ocean further than just a few feet, but we enjoyed it! I told Roy we were going to go out and find a sand dollar for him as he was amazed by them and had never seen one in person. We found a few that were broken up on the shore, but I told him we would have to go out into the water to find a whole one that was alive. Well, apparently I was wrong. As I was sitting in the water taking pictures a sand dollar literally rolled right up to Keagan and I. I looked down just in time to grab it. Gramma said it was unbelievable as we both thought I would only be able to find one out underneath the sand, but it wasn't unbelievable...it was Keagan! We have bleached the sand dollar and now have it with all of Keagan's other keepsakes. 

We love our baby boy so much and loved getting to create all of the memories below with him!

This was the most special part of our trip. As kids we would always go listen to Gregg Russell in Harbour Town. Just this past Christmas, my mom gave my sister and I Gregg Russell CD's which was really special to us. Now imagine, if I was excited about the CD's, how I was when I got to take my son to see him in person. He is a kid's song singer and works a lot of humor into his performances. About an hour before the concert it was pouring down rain. We were worried that he wouldn't have the concert which was one of the main reasons we had chosen to go to Hilton Head and to go on this weekend. After dinner I was thrilled to walk out and see him setting up! Little did I know that Papaw had been emailing Gregg and letting  him know about our situation and that we were planning a trip. That meant so much to me! Even with his smallest crowd in his 37 years, it was still absolutely perfect and such an important memory that I now share with Keagan. 

Gramma and I are adventurers so we decided to go on a bike ride around Hilton Head, as this was also something we used to do when us kids were younger. Everyone was concerned that I might fall off a bicycle, so they wanted to explore our options. One option was a surrey - it had two connected bicycles, two seats in the front and a canopy over top. It went really slow, Mom and I looked ridiculous on it, and it actually wasn't allowed on the bike paths. So instead I got a tricycle....yep, a tricycle. It was actually hard to steer, and I was pretty embarrassed to be on it as a ton of elderly people looked at me in jealousy. I must say though that I still had people honking at me as we were riding - a pregnant woman on a tricycle....attractive! :) We saw an alligator while on our bike ride, which was really neat and we rewarded ourselves with a cupcake near the end of our trip, which was really yummy. Keagan seemed to enjoy the bike ride and of course he loved the cupcake!

Another tradition for our family is taking pictures in the neat trees of Hilton Head. We definitely found a few good ones! Roy and I also played with Keagan at the Gregg Russell Harbour Town playground - teeter-tottering with our baby, what fun!

On our last night, we went to Hudson's Seafood Restaurant. When we went there as kids, I would always take a picture in front of the boat out front because it is named Miss Jennifer so we made sure to take advantage of that photo opportunity. One thing that was missing from when we were younger was a clown that made balloon animals. Our oh-so-friendly waitress told us he wouldn't be there until after Memorial Day.  We still enjoyed dinner and took some great pictures with the sunset behind us. I really love these pictures! 

These are just some other random pictures. (1) This was before I braved going out into the ocean. I decided to put some water on my belly so Keagan could experience the ocean. (2) Posing with a statue in Harbour Town. (3) Amazing grandparents!!! We love them so much and know they love all three of us more than we can even understand. (4) Picture at dinner before the Gregg Russell concert (5) Papaw and Daddy figuring out a path of how to get through the fountains without getting wet. We captured this on video as well...I may just have to upload that at some point. (6) We also went to the Marina to see some of the boats. Along the way we passed this crabbing boat, which again is something we did when we were younger. This boat was not going out on the water, but again a good photo opportunity. 

The joyous 24 hours in the car! The largest picture is us crossing the Ohio River as we headed to Hilton Head - Keagan's first time out of state! The smallest picture is Keagan's tunnel time, as opposed to tummy time :) I was so relieved when we saw the "Welcome to Ohio" sign on the way back because Keagan was still in my belly - no out of state delivery here!

These pictures capture the memories, but don't really show the emotional significance of this trip and again I don't know that I can find the words necessary to express that appropriately. What I can say though is that we had a terrific trip, we are so glad to have had this time with Keagan and together as a family, and that we will never forget this trip! Thank you to Gramma and Papaw for everything you did for us on this trip and for Roy coming up with this idea and making it happen. Keagan's first vacation was probably the best vacation of my life!

Prayer Shower - A perfectly beautiful day

On April 6, my family threw Roy, Keagan and I the most beautiful prayer shower, even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. It took us a while to decide if we still wanted to have a shower as we didn't want it to be difficult emotionally for us and we didn't want those we invited to feel uncomfortable as it wouldn't be a typical shower. I asked other mom's whose babies had anencephaly and got input from them. Ultimately, we obviously decided to have a shower and I must say we are so glad we did.

We knew very little of what was planned for the day which made it even more special. There were three "activities" for our guests to do and they were all perfect. Keagan's amazing aunt Jessica purchased fabric for our guests to create a prayer blanket for us. This poem was beside the fabric - Prayers were put in every knot, the angels blessed each one. So wrap the fleece around you and let God's presence come. Guardian angels snuggle close as they have a job to do. So if you're sad or lonely may this blanket comfort you. We are so thankful for this keepsake. Aunt Jess also got another perfect gift for us that Roy and I absolutely love. It was a tree on a canvas with the quote There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world. We have deemed this one of Keagan's life quotes as we truly believe even his tiny feet are leaving a huge mark on all of those who have "met" him and he will continue to make an impact even after a short earthly life. Each of the guests to the prayer shower were asked to leave their thumbprint on a branch of the tree - Please touch the ink and stamp your thumb to "sign" the tree of all who've come, to bless our babe with so much love and lift up prayers to God above. Again, we absolutely love how it turned out. It is beautiful both in the way it looks but also in the meaning behind it. Uncle Brian gave us an amazing beautiful (yes beautiful  again; that's the best word to describe it) keepsake box, which we definitely needed with all of the keepsakes we have! This was used at the shower though to collect notes from our guests - Write a letter or note to Keagan with any thoughts you would care to share as to how his "little light has shined" and perhaps made an imprint on your life. The box from Uncle Brian now sits on the dresser in Keagan's nursery full of cards we have received and all of these special notes to our little guy. Special really doesn't do the notes justice though; Roy and I appreciate them so much.

Gramma and Papaw also gave us some very special gifts on the day of our shower. The first was a little lamb blanket that we fell in love with at our last ultrasound appointment at the hospital. I'm pretty sure we followed them out that day and even drove behind them for a little bit, so those sneaky grandparents must have gone back to get the special blanket. I can't wait to have Keagan cuddle with this. The next was a small cow stuffed animal. Gramma has become obsessed with these little animals with big eys :) When we first opened it we thought it was just a cute animal, but of course there was more significance. It took us a while to figure out that the cow's birthday is June 5, the same day as my due date. Last was a beautiful blue newborn outfit; I can't say little outfit because I thought it was huge compared to the preemie clothes we have! If Keagan keeps growing at this rate though he will probably fill it out. We loved this outfit and plan to have some of Keagan's newborn pictures taken in it. Daddy found a little extra meaning in this outift that had airplanes on the front, thinking about how Keagan would be flying up to heaven to be with his other grandma.

There were so many other details that didn't go unnoticed at the party - a canvas painted to match Keagan's room, a butterfly sign from K's cousin Carson, a "Keagan's First" display, butterflies hung on the walls, candles in butterfly vases, music from one of Keagan's CD's playing in the background and even the food and cakes were perfect. My family put so much time, energy and thought into this shower and Roy and I can't thank them enough. The day truly was perfect, and I haven't even talked about the guests yet! We had so many friends and family come to support and love on us, and that was felt beyond the extreme. I personally didn't even feel sad throughout the entire course of the shower because people were just there celebrating Keagan's life and enjoying the company of one another. We loved spending time with so many of our close family and friends and we can't thank those of you who came enough. We also know there were several people who were unable to come that wanted to be there; please know that you being involved in Keagan's life daily and your constant love, words and prayers are even more important to us than your presence at our shower. We received some additional gifts from guests at the shower which I will post on later this week.

I know that my words are not doing the shower justice. While I am usually pretty good at finding a way to express our appreciation and the beauty of things, I just can't find the words to do that this time so instead I have include all of the pictures from our shower. I hope you enjoy this video - we certainly do. It allows us to relive this day to which no other day can compare. Again, thank you all for making it perfect and an even bigger thank you to Gramma, Papaw, Aunt Jess and Uncle Brian for EVERYTHING every day but specifically on our shower day. We love you!!!

100%

 

Heartbeat Check #8

I want to start off by apologizing for not posting anything recently - we have definitely have had things going on that are worth posting about, but I have not had the energy or motivation to do so for some reason. Don't worry though - I am ready to post now and will post every night for the next few days until you are all up to date on the happenings of Keagan's life :)

We actually had a heartbeat check last week, on Monday the 8th. I signed in for my appointment only to find out after waiting that I had come a week early. While I was frustrated with myself, I was also kind of proud at the same time that I made it that far without getting appointments dates and times mixed up! My doctor decided to go ahead and see me, which I appreciated especially after having been in the emergency room the previous week. (I was having a lot of difficult breathing. I waited 10 hours before calling my doctor and they advised me to go the ER to rule out a blood clot, which they were able to do!) Keagan's heart rate was 140. We are so happy that he continues to grow and be strong. I mentioned to my doctor that the ultrasound technician had told us Keagan weighed 4 pounds 3 ounces at our last appointment. I questioned if he knew how this was determined (referring to whether a measurement of his skull was used). After looking at the report from the hospital, he said the weight estimation was based only on the measurements they could get so it must be accurate for him. Saying he is a big boy never gets old; it brings me so much joy! His movements have gotten really noticeable and there have been times where I think if I was looking at my stomach at the exact right time that I could see one of his body parts pushing out on my stomach. Today during school, I think his elbow, hand or foot must have been pushing on me because I could defintely feel some sort of defined shape. I so wanted to lift my shirt up just a little to see what it was, but I was right in the middle of teaching so obviously that wouldn't have worked out too well :)

With each day, each minute, each movement I grow closer to our son. I have such a bond with him and I pray he knows my voice and understands the extent of my love. Having these thoughts now always brings me back to the few days after the ultrasound which revealed the fatal birth defect that turned our world upside down and made it stand still that way. I am so thankful that we made the decision we did and that we found a way to continue to live life but with a new perspective and a new purpose. Since we have made our decision to continue our pregnancy I have been reading a few books. Several of them came highly recommended and one which I would recommend to others in our position or even to anyone who is coming into contact with someone in our position is "I Will Carry You." This book was written by a mother who decided to carry her baby to term after learning their daughter had a fatal birth defect. It is very encouraging and is a great reminder of how others struggle with this situation as well but how keeping focused on God and just enjoying the time you have with your baby will get you through. There is also a song that was written for the precious baby in this book. It is also called "I Will Carry You." I listen to this song almost every day and find so much peace, comfort and joy in the lyrics. A few of my favorite lines that really touch my heart are "People say that I am brave, but I'm not. Truth is I'm barely hanging on" and "I will praise the One who's chosen me to carry you." So many times people tell Roy and I that we are so strong. While we appreciate these words and we do our best to make them true, we also have our weak times, times when we just break down and we know that is okay. We are incredibly thankful for our family and friends for being our support system all of the time, but especially when we are having moments of weakness. More importantly, we are thankful that God carries us through every minute of each day and we praise Him for that and the fact that He truly has chosen us to parent such a special baby boy and allowed us to enjoy his life to the fullest extent.

This is our time to spend with our baby, to help him grow, to connect with him, to express our love to him. So many pregnant women desire to deliver their babies and to be done as they near the end of their typical pregnancies, but to us this is the time that we get to enjoy. Once this pregnancy is over we are going to enter a period of grief and healing. So we do what we can to make the best of the time we have. I will deal with any round ligament pain, back aches and swollen feet if that means we get just another minute with Keagan. If you have been around me since we have found out that Keagan has anencephaly, you have probably noticed I frequently am holding or rubbing my belly or am just resting my hand on my stomach. This is not (typically) because of pain or even because Keagan is moving (although it often may be), it is just because this is my time to hold my baby boy and I am so glad to have this time to do that. We would love to have more time with Keagan, but we are not guaranteed anything so again, we will make the most of everyday!

Keagan's First...and Second!

Hockey Game!

Thanks to some of Roy's coworkers/bosses, Ashley, Kim and Emily, we were able to take baby Keagan to two hockey games over the past month! I love watching hockey so I was thrilled about this. We are trying to expose Keagan to all kinds of sports because we were really looking forward to being able to teach our son how to play them and Roy being able to coach him in the future. I don't think Roy could coach hockey though! We went and saw the Blue Jackets play against Phoenix and the (Mighty) Ducks. Roy didn't know much about hockey so the first game all of his references were to the mighty ducks and I was teaching him the whole time. He did better at the second game. :)

Any one who has been to a Blue Jackets game knows that they shoot the cannon at the beginning and then again every time the Jackets score. We were curious if Keagan would react to the loud boom, but it was actually me who reacted more - I jumped every time even though I would know it was coming.

We definitely enjoyed getting to share this first with our son and seeing the Blue Jackets win both games that we went to! We also got to see a fight break out in the first game, and although this sounds terrible, that was enjoyable. 

Here are some pictures from Keagan's first and second hockey games!
Keagan's First:

 

(L) We weren't able to get a picture with Stinger, so Roy wanted Keagan and I to get a picture with the Columbia Gas Cozy Cat. I was kind of creeped out by the cat, so Roy got a picture with it instead.
(R) Our tickets and Keagan's keepsake puck from game #1.

(L) Jackets supporting green warm-up jerseys for St. Patrick's Day

(R) Treating Baby Keagan to some chocolate covered strawberries - that's good justification, right?! :) Who knew they served these at hockey games...

 

Keagan's Second:

Three pucks came into the stands throughout the course of the night, but none of them came to our section. Along the same lines, they were throwing out pizza boxes for a free pizza. One landed in a seat a few seats down from me and I almost fought a little kid for it (for Keagan obviously...) but I didn't think that would look too good :)

Proud Mommy and Daddy, who forgot to wear jackets or sweatshirts this time...oops.

 

Our tickets and Keagan's keepsake puck from game #2. At the first game, the person handed the puck to us without question. This time they told me we had to be under 12. I pointed to my belly and said "Does he count?" You can see how that turned out :)

Roy and I want to take a quick second to thank our coworkers and bosses. We are very thankful for these tickets and for the opportunity to have another first (and second) with Keagan, but we are even more thankful for the understanding and support you all provide to us daily. It is not always easy for us to go about our day to day activities, but sometimes we know that is just what we need. You all have been wonderful! Us having to leave immediately or schedule days off week after week is never questioned and we appreciate that so much. I specifically am thankful for my bosses Ellen and Kim who send emails or stop into my room for no reason other than to check on how things are going, make sure I don't need anything and to express their love. This means more than you know to me and words cannot express my gratitude. We are surrounded by awesome people, and it is so helpful to have so many of those individuals with us daily at our jobs.

Fluid Check #3

Once again we had the wonderful joy of seeing Keagan today, and once again, he is just as adorable and perfect as ever. His heart rate today was 143. We got to see the four chambers of his heart again and for the first time got to see that his umbilical cord has three vessels. Beth, the same wonderful ultrasound technician we have had every time, pointed out that there are two arteries and one vein in the cord which is perfect, but not all babies have two arteries. That means that Keagan is getting ample nourishment, which explains the next part - he is still measuring big! His stomach, arms and legs are measuring at 32 weeks (we will be 31 weeks on Wednesday). Again, I love that we were worried that he would be small and if he stays at this rate, that will be no concern at all! We asked Beth if she could estimate how much he weighed. Her response was 4 pounds 3 ounces! This is higher than average for babies at nearly 31 weeks, and we LOVE that! I am not entirely sure how this weight was determined, but I know that the measurements  have to be entered into the calculation. I believe one of the measurements is supposed to be a measurement of the baby's head. It is very difficult to measure Keagan's head so I'm not sure if an estimate was used or maybe an average...but regardless, we were so glad to hear those numbers.
My fluid is still measuring at 20, which is the same as last month so that was also great news. I was worried that it would be higher and that would increase my chances of pre-term labor which would not be an ideal situation for Keagan's first family vacation that is coming up. So, thankfully it is still in the normal range! The doctor did say that she would like us to come back in three weeks as opposed to four since I am still at the higher end of the normal range and because we are nearing the end of the pregnancy. Less time to wait to see our baby - we'll take it!
Keagan was not being very photogenic today - he didn't even show that he's "still a boy" which is rare :) But towards the end, Beth was able to get some adorable pictures of him while he was sleeping. We got to see one of his ears and the opposite side of his face than we normally see, both in the 3D view. She did mention he was right up against me which was making it a little difficult to get a good picture. I said that that has been the case every time and asked if that was common. Interestingly, Beth told us that babies have some sort of instinct that if something is wrong they usually keep that part of their body close to the uterine lining or the placenta or will use their hands to cover up that part of their body. So it makes sense that Keagan constantly has head right up against me, but (being extra emotional right now) it made me a little sad. My thought when she said that was he wanted to hide an imperfection so that we wouldn't have to see it or that he was embarrassed of it. I know this sounds silly and is not the case, but I just want him to know that we love him so much and that love is unconditional - he is loved so much just the way he is!

Kissy lips! Gosh - just so adorable!

Happy to see five little toes! I noticed when looking at these pictures tonight, that his second toe is a little longer than his first. Roy said he gets that from me... :)

One of his ears (if you look at 2013 at the top of the image, it is directly below that). He also has his mouth open in this picture.

Precious sleeping baby - to the left of his face are his hands. This is the same way I sleep which brings me joy. Having a degree in deaf education, I was trying to figure out what he may be signing - Amber, what do you think?!

Profile view showing him right up against me.

This is probably one of the best front views we have ever gotten of him. He has the cutest little chubby cheeks! (Just FYI - there is nothing wrong with his one eye, it is just the view that we had)

 

After our appointment, we met with a team from the hospital. The point of this meeting was to talk about the day of delivery and what to expect after Keagan was born. Papaw and Gramma came with us to the appointment and meeting to see sweet baby Keagan and support us during the meeting as Roy and I were not looking forward to this at all. We know we had to process these things, but the conversations we had today was the first time Roy and I had even talked about these things in front of one another, simply because we didn't want to talk about any of this.  I had already started working on a birth plan but what this involved for me was copying and pasting ideas from the birth plans of some other wonderful moms of babies with anencephaly. I still have to work on this and make it our own, but to get started it seemed to be easier to deal with to just find things I agreed with on other birth plans rather than generate these thoughts myself. The conversations that were had today were so much better than we anticipated. All of the team members were thoughtful and sensitive with their words, they were open to our questions and thoughts, and most importantly to us, they never once talked like it was a guarantee or known-fact that Keagan would not survive birth or that he would live for just a few moments. This made everything so much easier for us and we are truly thankful for all of these people. Several times in our conversation it was said "We can do whatever you would like." This too was very meaningful to us. It seems everyone we have come into contact, we have liked and I have asked if there is any way they can be the person from their department there on the day of Keagan's birth. They all say they will try :) If by chance those individuals make it to this website, please know we are so incredibly thankful for you and appreciate your sincerity, your thoughtfulness, your understanding and your contribution to our journey.