"YOU knitted me together in my mother's womb"

This Psalm goes on to say "I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made." Well, today we are able to praise God once more for Keagan after being able to see the beautiful, adorable, cute, funny (how many adjectives can I use?) little person He has formed! Keagan is truly a wonderful creation!

Within a week of Keagan's diagnosis, I was connected to some amazing women through a Facebook support group, all of whom who were or currently are pregnant with babies with anencephaly. This has been a wonderful place for me to go to ask questions or just to be encouraged by people who truly understand what we are going through. I am not sure at what point, but early after the diagnosis I asked what families had done as keepsakes of their babies. I received several helpful responses, but one mother in particular sent me a message with a very detailed list of what she had done for her son. (I am so grateful for Bethany and the friendship we have formed!) In this list, she put the website of an organization called Sustaining Grace. http://sustaininggrace.org/ This organization was founded by a couple who lost their daughter due to a terminal diagnosis, but prior to that were able to have several 3D/4D ultrasounds to bond with their baby. It is now the mission of the couple and the organization to provide free 3D and 4D ultrasounds to families who also have learned that their babies have terminal diagnoses. On their website, the couple notes that they want families to be able to see "their little miracles full of energy and life." I contacted this organization and we are so incredibly thankful that they were willing to fund this ultrasound for us and allow us to experience the joy and seeing Keagan "full of energy and life." This was truly such an amazing gift and words can not express our gratitude or the joy we felt today. So thank you to Diane and Scott from Sustaining Grace!

After much anticipation (and anxiousness to be honest), today was the day we had our 4D ultrasound at a place called "First Expressions." Several of our family members and a few friends were able to come and enjoy the "show" starring baby Keagan. It was truly like he was in a movie, as the ultrasound was shown in three locations with one of them being projected onto the wall. (All we needed was popcorn, as Papaw pointed out!) Gramma, Papaw, Uncle Brian, Aunt Helena, Papaw, Sharon, Dustin and Bri we are so glad you were there to share this with us! We had other family and friends who could not be there, but we have no doubt in our mind they wanted to be there and we know they love us and Keagan very much! The ultrasound technician was very pleasant and had fun with Keagan and all of us. She had been informed of Keagan's diagnosis prior to our appointment and was very helpful in trying to answer questions and get different views for us.

Even though he would only let us see half of himself, Keagan is truly beautiful and perfect! He really has a fun little personality, and we noticed he takes after his daddy in several ways, but mainly orneriness! We got to see him do some awesome things which we count as blessings - he opened his eyes and his mouth and even tried to stick out his tongue a little, was moving all around, smiled, and counted to two...then skipped to five. I want to build on each of those a little just to demonstrate the importance. The ultrasound technician did say that Keagan's eyes are bulging out a little, as is common for babies with anencephaly but the fact that he was able to open the one that we could see is a good sign as babies with anencephaly are not always able to open or close their eyes. I am hoping that him opening his mouth and the fact that he had hiccups the other night are good indicators that he is swallowing, which, again, is not always the case. I think the hiccups are a better indicator; I highly doubt opening and closing his mouth shows one way or another, but it was adorable! Moving around...well that's just awesome and so fun to see - nothing to build on there :) I did have a coffee on the way there, hoping that would make him active, however I don't really think he needed that. When he smiled...what a great memory! Those of you who have seen my handsome husband, may know that he doesn't have the smallest lips in the world. We noticed Keagan's lips were a little big as well, to which Roy responded "Don't worry Keagan, the ladies like them!" This of course got us all laughing or at least smiling, even Keagan! Roy is over the moon that his son thinks he is funny :) And his perfect little fingers. Some babies with anencephaly also have trisomy. A common characteristic of this is to have crossed digits. We are not entirely sure if Keagan has any fingers or toes crossed, except for on his one hand that he wanted to make sure we saw...so he kept it by his face the whole time. I believe the last time the technician repositioned the probe and changed from 2D to 4D, Keagan put up one finger, then two, then went straight to five. We're still working on the counting, but all of his fingers looked perfect! :)

When the technician said we were almost done with our session, I asked her about seeing if there was skin covering his whole head and how high his skull went on the backside of his head as these are things that would be best seen in a 4D ultrasound. She could not get a very good view of the back of his head, but she didn't think there was much skull there. We are praying that was just the view or lack thereof because we have seen the skull on the back of his head with other ultrasounds. On the other hand, we were so happy when she said it looks like there is skin covering his entire head! Some babies with anencephaly truly have an opening, for lack of better words, where their brain is exposed. We were expecting the same thing with Keagan, but she believes there is skin all the way around!! This is a great blessing and while it may not change the ultimate outcome, we are hoping it will help some. By having skin on the top of his head, my understanding is this will help protect his brainstem from being "corroded" by amniotic fluid currently, and once he is born will help maintain his body heat and decrease the risk of infection. This was a huge blessing!

Well, I have rambled on enough...without further adieu, I present to you our fearfully and wonderfully made son, Keagan David!

Perfect little nose and mouth

Roy thinks he has my nose :) That is his hand, ready to fight...or just give Mommy a little tap, to the right of his face.

Smiling because of his silly Daddy! Love his chubby cheeks!!!

Little piggies, another body part ready to give Mommy a love tap

With his eye open! His features are so defined

Little cuddle bug - right up against me (not the best for ultrasounds, but nice to see he wants to be right by me!)

Counting...1....

2...

 

And with baby Keagan's peace sign, we say good night!

Keagan's First

Musical!

My mom and I love going to plays, musicals, concerts....anything of that sort. So when my school announced there was going to be a musical I thought this was a great time to spend with my mom, but could also double as one of Keagan's firsts! The musical was "The Little Mermaid." I was thinking this was mainly for girls, and that Keagan may not have wanted to go there if he was given the choice, but I was glad when I saw several little boys there as well.

My school's seventh and eighth grade students put on a wonderful show and really impressed us with their singing talents. We really enjoyed the performance, and I loved getting to share the night with two of my favorite people - baby Keagan and Gramma.

When I got home, Roy was watching Hope Floats. (Sorry if you don't me to share that Roy!) Just as I was preparing to write this post, the following line was said:

Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most.

Wow! How true this is on our journey.
-When we first learned that baby Keagan had anencephaly, there were so many unknowns and it was so unexpected. Those first few days were very scary, and to be honest there are still times that we are scared.
-I'm not sure if I have shared this before or not, but we try not to think too much about the expected outcome for Keagan's life. It is not that we deny the reality of his condition, but as I'm sure you can imagine, it is extremely hard to process and to come to reality with. Not thinking about it too much helps us in several ways, but I also wonder if we should be better preparing ourselves for that day right now. Even if we do everything we can to prepare mentally, emotionally, and even make the necessary arrangements, I still do not think we will ever be truly prepared for that day. The "ending" of Keagan's earthly life and the days, weeks and years to follow are assuredly going to be sad, but I pray for peace, strength and also joy for our family at that time. (I will add here that we still hold on to the fact that God has the ultimate say and we believe with our whole hearts that He can heal Keagan entirely if He choses to.)
-This time right now is the "middle." That is why we live for each day and do what we can do to enjoy every moment. This is the time we have with our son, and ultimately these are the memories that I think and pray will be engraved in our hearts and minds forever, rather than those first few days or the pain of his passing. "Keagan's firsts" and each minute we have with him while he is in my belly are what count the most.
I am going to close with the next line that Sandra Bullock goes on to say in the movie:

You need to remember that when you find yourself at the beginning - just give hope a chance to float up.

Heartbeat Check #5

Keagan's heart rate today was 138! Our little guy is still doing well - praise God! I did have a little scare at the appointment though. The doctor had a difficult time finding the heartbeat. I could feel Keagan moving just two minutes prior to the doctor coming in, and started thinking as he tried to find it "Wow. Could things have changed that quickly?" I stared up at the ceiling and kept listening for that wonderful sound. The doctor moved the doppler probe over my stomach very slowly, top to bottom and side to side. It felt like it took thirty minutes, but I think it truly did take about three minutes. At one point, my doctor said "I think I keep hearing it, but your heartbeat is so loud." Finally, he found it and I was so relieved. We heard the strong beat loud and clear. The doctor said my heartbeat had been in the foreground, thus making it difficult to hear Keagan's and at some point they switched positions. I don't quite get that, but I don't really need to because I know Keagan is doing well and that is what matters to me. As he was trying to get the rate, Keagan's heartbeat faded (the actual sound, not the rate) so he used the probe to shake my belly and it came back loud and clear again.

I am so thankful that today's appointment had a good outcome, even with this scare. In those three minutes, I realized the depth of my love for my son. I definitely knew that I loved him with all of my heart and I have tried to show him my love through my thoughts, words and actions. But this scare, that I now know could have been prevented by some patience, showed a whole other facet of my love. I am struggling with how to put my emotions into words. I felt like I was on the verge of great heartache, but the root of it was great love. People always say you instantly fall in love with your baby when you see him or her for the first time, but I am already in love with sweet baby Keagan.

I heard this song on the way home tonight, and I know not all of the lyrics apply to our situation - actually only a few of them do - but the one line that stood out to me was the title and part of the chorus: "Only God Could Love You More." We love our son so much that we do believe that God is only one who could love him deeper and wider and just overall more than us.

Thank you for your continued prayers; we are always in need and always appreciative of them!

Love one another

The title of this post is a command that comes from God, and sometimes it may be difficult to really love one another. We are to love our family, our friends and even our enemies. We are also to be patient and gentle with one another (Ephesians 4:2), be kind to one another (Ephesian 4:32), pray for one another (James 5:16) and show compassion to one another (Colossians 3:12). Once again, we have been amazed at how people have loved us - family, friends, acquaintances, and even strangers - through all of the acts above. I believe God has much joy in our situation right now. While I believe He does not like to see us hurt, I know He loves us and I know He has placed people in our lives to show us His love and is proud of His children for doing that so wonderfully. We are so incredibly thankful for you just being with us on this journey!

We received some amazing gifts over the past few weeks. These are aside from all of the hugs, comments and prayers we have received which too are so meaningful and helpful.

 

These beautiful necklaces were gifts from our friend, Peggy. We have recently started going back to the church in which I grew up and we have been surrounded by some wonderful people, including Peggy. This morning at church she gave me a gift bag and said "This is for you and your mom." I opened them as we left and saw these lockets. Gramma was instantly brought to tears as I was just amazed with their beauty and Peggy's thoughtfulness. She had mom's engraved with "Keagan's Gramma" and mine says "Keagan" on the front and "Peanut" on the back :) I still can not get over these necklaces and Peggy's love towards us. Thank you so much Peggy! We will wear them proudly!

 

 

This angel figurine was a gift from our friend and Roy's co-worker, Ashley. The perfection and beauty of this angel, even though it is a girl, reminds me of Keagan. In God's eyes and in our's, he has been made just the way he was supposed to be and was done so in God's image - there is nothing more perfect or beautiful than that! At the same time, it reminds me of my mother-in-law who is constantly watching over us from Heaven and caring for all three of us (and many more) as this angel appears to be caring for the bunny. Thank you Ashley! It has been added to the collection :)

 

This is a beautiful hand-made prayer shawl from my cousin, Carrie. I am honored that she made this for me and have so much peace and joy knowing how much love went into it, but also that the women in her church prayed over the shawl and prayed for us before sending it my way. Carrie told me she wanted me to feel wrapped in God's love as I used this shawl, and I truly do. I love wrapping it around me and just sitting in the quiet or just having it beside me as a reminder of both God's love and the prayer warriors we have. Thank you so much Carrie!

I am in love with these little hats made by Alisha with Livie Bean Designs. I met Alisha through a craft show that we were both a part of and absolutely love the items she makes. I was having trouble finding hats for Keagan so I called Alisha and she lovingly agreed to making some specially sized hats for our little guy. I picked out a few that I liked (I have special plans for the aviator hat!) and she got them to me so quickly. She sent me the sweetest message and told me she would like to do this as a gift for Keagan. This still brings me to tears. I have met Alisha only one time, but she went out of her way to make and deliver these incredibly crafted and incredibly meaningful hats. What an amazing person and amazing gift! Thank you Alisha!

This adorable Willow Tree figurine was given to us by Roy's second-momma, Sharon. The relationship Roy and Sharon have is amazing. He loves just going down to her house to hang out, and she is always there for us when we need her. She gave this figurine to Keagan as his 23rd week birthday in mommy's belly gift. The balloon the boy is holding says "Birthday Boy." It will constantly be on display, but will always have so much more meaning as we celebrate his birthday for years to come. Thank you for this gift and for so much that can't even be put into words Sharon! We love you!

 

 

This gift is from one of my co-workers, Tara. I went to class with my students one day and was surprised to see a gift bag on my desk when I returned. This adorable mug was inside. Tara and I have more in common than we knew and have found a strong connection through this journey. I am thankful for her and that I know I can always go to her for a sympathetic ear. She had written in the card that she remembered my picture with the sign that had the "Keep calm and carry on" saying on it, so when she saw this she wanted to get it for me. I gladly walk around with my mug and show my pride that I am carrying such a special baby! Thank you Tara!

 

 

We continue to receive beautiful cards with such thoughtful words in them. Thank you to these indivdiuals for taking the time to send us cards! As I have said, they will be saved and looked at many times.

 

A gift from us :) I saw this Willow Tree figurine when we were out yesterday and fell in love with it. Roy did not hesitate to purchase it as we thought the fact the baby was wearing a hat was perfect.





Once again, thank you for loving us! We hope you know how much each of you mentioned above and each of you reading mean to us. Whether we know you personally or not, whether you live near us or on the other side of the world, whether you came here on purpose and found our story by "mistake," you are part of our's and Keagan's lives and we love you for that!

Keagan's First...

Concert!

My mom, sister and I took the boys to the African Children's Concert on Friday. I know...probably not quite the kind of concert you were thinking but it was perfect for us!

All five of us went to dinner and then headed to a local church to see this group perform. What an awesome experience! The music was wonderful and the kids were adorable, but what was even more memorable was that Keagan and my nephew got to share this first together. When Aunt Jess pointed out that Carson had never been to a concert before either it really warmed my heart and I was glad to know this concert is something the boys will share forever. This may seem little, but we grasp on to seemingly little things as they bring us so much joy!

Both of the boys absolutely loved the music! Keagan started kicking as soon as they started singing and drumming, and Carson would get the biggest grin and giggle when the drumming would start and when the kids would start dancing. (We seemed to be watching Carson more than the kids on stage because he was so precious, as always!) Aunt Jess got to feel Keagan kick for the first time and Gramma got to feel him again. I love getting to feel him and love seeing the reactions of the ones who are close to me when they get to share in this moment.

This concert was definitely a very fun and memorable night for our family!

(1) Some of Keagan's biggest fans! (2) Carson "telling" Keagan it is his first too!

(1) Cousin moment :) (2) All five of us before the concert started

(1) Picture of the boys (2) Carson looking on in pure amazement!



 

The awesome choir! They sang beautifully, had such pure hearts and a strong message!

Keagan also had his first time spending time with two of my best friends this weekend! Lindsy came into town so she, Brianna, Keagan and I went out to dinner today, which Lindsy so thoughtfully paid for. She said she wanted to pay for Keagan's first meal at Olive Garden :) These girls are two of my roommates from college, two of my bridesmaids, and as I said, truly are two of my best friends. They have some of the kindest and loving hearts and genuinely care about everyone. It was so nice to catch up and also just be able to talk about Keagan with people who love us both (and Roy) so deeply! I am so thankful for them and the role they have played in my life and now in Keagan's! We love you Linds and Bri!!

Keagan's First...

Valentine's Day!

This week has been rough for me. There has not been one thing that has upset me, but rather sadness has just been frequently present. On the other hand, there is one thing that kept me going - knowing I would get to celebrate Valentine's Day for the first time with my sweet baby boy. We did not get gifts for Keagan, but instead gave gifts from him or that involved him. One reason is nothing we could purchase would be perfect enough nor show the depths of our love to our son. Also, we think he would be the kind of kid who would much rather give than receive because this is how Roy and I both are.

To my husband and son, I want to share this quote from Rosemonde Gerard: "For you see, each day I love you more. Today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow." I love these two boys with everything I have and am so thankful that God put them both in my life. We all grow closer as each day passes, and with each day my love grows greater and greater. For Valentine's Day today, Roy and I still celebrated as a married couple, but Keagan was at the forefront of our thoughts and actions, per usual :)

These are our memories from this holiday:

Gift from Gramma and Papaw

 

Gramma came over last night to drop off a gift to Roy and I and a card and gift for Keagan. (Papaw was out of town but sent his love and definitely wanted to be there!) Keagan's card, of course, was perfect and the heart shaped cookie came from my favorite bakery, "The Ribbon Box." I told Roy I was going to eat my cookie before bed, and Gramma made sure to correct me - it wasn't my cookie, it was Keagan's! :) He was already pretty active before I ate his cookie, but the sugar rush sent him into high speed. We are so grateful that Keagan's Gramma and Papaw love him so much (you'll see more about this below!) Keagan loves you Gramma and Papaw!!!!

 

Keagan's Valentines...He's a stud - there's three of them! :)

Grade school Valentine's parties are the best thing (not necessarily from a teacher's point of view, but I loved them as a student!) We wanted Keagan to be able to give out Valentine's to some special girls, and who better than some of our volleyball players! We love the girls that we coach, and are so thankful to these three for being Keagan's first valentines! Roy bought little Airheads with cards to give out from Baby K. He also established criteria for the girls - they had to be good at volleyball, and not be "airheads." These three met the criteria, and were with us last night anways. Thank you so much to Mickie, Katie and Zoey. As silly as this was, it means a lot to us! It also meant the world when Zoey and Katie stopped by our house today to drop off Valentines they handmade for Keagan. They were absolutely adorable cards and the words inside touched our hearts deeply. I know that if Keagan were to have a longer life on Earth, he would be growing up around volleyball and constantly surrounded by our girls. So having these three be involved in Keagan's first Valentine's Day was perfect. All three of us love all three of you! Thanks again!

Gifts from me to Roy

 



Keagan was the inspiration for both of these gifts. Roy purchased a red rose dipped in gold for his mom for Valentine's Day a couple of years ago, so this blue one was perfect for me to get him for this year. This rose and its beauty will live on forever, just as Keagan and his life will. It will be a wonderful reminder of his life for years to come. The ring was a difficult decision for me. I wanted something that perfectly captured our family. To be honest, I wasn't sure if Roy would even wear a ring on his right hand but I saw this ring and just went for it. My dad actually has a very similar ring, and that just confirmed my thoughts. On the right side there are three diamonds to represent the three of us. The sapphire is a lindy star. Not only does the blue represent our baby boy, but when light hits it it reflects out into different directions. I thought this was symbolic of how Keagan's life has went out and touched others, and how his light will continue to shine and show in others even after his earthly life is over.

Roy's gifts to me

 



I opened my card from Roy to find five "Family Vacation" tickets. They were labeled Baby Keagan, Mommy, Daddy, Papaw and Gramma. We know that Keagan would go on family vacations with us if he was not anencephalic, and he is going to go on one with us even with his condition thanks to my awesome husband. Roy asked Gramma and Papaw if they would go on an out-of-state road trip with us so Keagan could have his first family vacation! They said yes, and I'm guessing they did so with no hesitation. Another wonderful demonstration of love from Keagan's amazing grandparents. I am hoping you will click on the picture above to enlarge it so you can see all of the precious little details. The tickets are adorable and the vacation is going to be perfect. I can't wait to go on it and share our trip with all of you! Roy also gave me two beautiful Willow Tree figurines and a baby photo album as the one we have already is almost full from the pictures from all of our adventures. Thank you to my perfect husband and Keagan's perfect daddy!

Cards, of course!

 

 

This may seem silly, but we got each other cards from Keagan. Silly or not, we are glad that we will be able to cherish these simple cards forever. We wrote each other a little note inside of what we thought Keagan might write or think. Simple things like birthday or holiday cards with precious handwritten notes from our baby are not something I had thought about missing out on, but after giving and receiving these cards it registered with me. And while we feel that even though Keagan will not be able to tell us he loves us, he will always be with us and will find a way to show us his presence. And we will do everything we can to show others our love for him for as long as we live, on Valentine's Day and every day!

 

Happy Valentine's Day to you all! Please take this opportunity to tell and show those around you how much you love them on this special day, and really every chance you have. 



Heartbeat Check #4

Roy and my dad came to the heartbeat check today. I asked Dad to come because we initially did not think Roy would be able to go, but he said he wanted to be there for his son. It was nice to have them both there and have their wonderful humor fill the air while we waited for the doctor. Keagan's heart rate today was 140! As always we loved getting to hear his heartbeat and have the confirmation that he is still doing well. The doctor did not find his heartbeat quite as quickly as he has in the past, but I think that was because Keagan was moving. He is becoming very active, and I love it! I have read that babies with anencephaly are typically more active and have stronger "love taps" than other babies. I am very happy with this because I have not had to worry much about whether or not baby K is doing okay, as I only have to wait about an hour or so for him to give me a sign he is doing fine in there!

Keagan's heart is very strong and we are so thankful for that. I have read posts from other anencephaly moms who have said similar things about their babies and then go on to say they hope their babies' strong hearts will help another baby. Obviously, these moms/parents have chosen to have their baby be an organ donor. Roy and I have been faced with some difficult decisions that we would not wish on anyone. We have done our best to think through the pro's and con's of each side of our decisions. This process is not easy - it is emotionally and mentally draining at times. (Having our positive doctor's appointments and celebrating Keagan's life and his "firsts" helps us get through all of the harder times.)

Organ donation is one of these decisions, but it is not something we have talked about in great depth. I do not know much about this option, but I have read that it is not always an easy process and not always a possibility with a baby like Keagan due to terminology. I am thankful for and admire the families who choose this and understand the reasoning. It can help with the grieving process, it may help families find the "purpose" in their children's lives, and it can save the lives of babies who do have a greater chance of survival. I have a hard time even looking up information and trying to research the medical pro's and con's as it makes everything so real. My baby is alive and well, I don't want to think about donating the organs that are allowing us to enjoy life with him everyday. This may seem selfish of me, but we don't think baby Keagan being an organ donor is the best choice for our family. In my opinion, it is definitely something that needs to be considered but ultimately is a family choice. Keagan has touched so many and hopefully has had a role in saving souls, and that we think those are some of the purposes of his life.

When we are exposed to additional things we have to think about, it hurts. We try to live each day and enjoy each moment with our sweet baby. Having to think about things that will be important after our baby's passing makes us think about the bigger picture and realize once again the reality of the situation. We need to do this, but it is not something we like to do often. The even bigger picture, and the most important is that Keagan will ultimately be healed and made whole in Heaven. That is bittersweet, but it does bring us joy in the shadows of the decisions we have to make.

Keagan's First...

Time Gambling, Trip to a Flea Market and Note from Daddy

For some odd reason, I felt like Keagan should go gambling one time in his life. I know this is not a child activity, but it is not just his childhood that we will be missing. If Keagan were to have a longer life on Earth, I think he would go to a casino at least once.

Roy wanted to get out of the house Friday night so we stayed at a hotel, slept in and enjoyed another free breakfast! :) We went to the Hollywood Casino in Columbus. With our first two turns each on slots, we were up 35 dollars. I texted Gramma and Papaw and asked jokingly if we should stop - Gramma said yep, and Papaw said nope :) We were not concerned with winning money or breaking even, but just with making another memory with our little guy. Good thing we were not worried about that, because even though Roy won "big" (for penny slots) several times, we lost money in the end. Keagan must have been giving all of his good luck to Roy, because I did the majority of the losing money. We had a good time and were happy to check this off of Keagan's bucket list of fun. (A little fun fact - I got carded and had to wear a wrist band for being under 25. Roy on the other hand did not get carded and was very disappointed that he didn't even look like he was under 25. Poor old guy!)

As we were headed home, we passed a flea market. Grandma Mary used to love going to garage sales and flea markets. (We think there is a huge garage sale in Heaven that she goes to all of the time.)Since Roy and I loved spending time with her and sharing common interests, we would always go every chance we had. We very rarely buy anything, but we just like to look. We thought we would take Keagan to his first flea market because he would definitely be taken more than a few times in his life. This probably was not the best choice out of all of the flea markets, seeing as how it was on the west side of Columbus, but that just made it that much more memorable. Several of the items outdoors appeared to have been "acquired from previous owners", we were obviously the minority, and there was a police officer outside just making sure things didn't get out of hand. Oh, the places we take our son... :)  Yes, in the second picture I am crossing my fingers, just hoping we make it out alive!

 

A huge thank you to Roy's best friend, Dustin for always coming to watch the house and take care of our dog Coco so we can have our weekend adventures. We appreciate and love you so much Dustin!

Roy does not know I am posting this, and he is asleep right now so I will justify it that way. I just wanted to share a short note that he wrote to our baby back in October, just two weeks after we found out we were pregnant. This note shows Roy's sense of humor, some of the silly little idiosyncrasies of our relationship, but most importantly shows a glimpse at the immense amount of love he has had for our baby since he knew there was a "little peanut" in there. Keagan has the most amazing daddy. Roy does so much to take care of me and to make sure both Keagan and I are doing okay. He is so concerned with our well-being and tells us he loves us all of the time. He kisses my stomach, whether we are in the privacy of our home or out in public, and says bye to Keagan everytime he leaves. Recently he has started putting his hand on my stomach while we sleep and loves getting to feel Keagan move. He told me the other night I was sound asleep, and Keagan was rolling and kicking and he would just start laughing and talking to him, having a daddy-son moment. Roy so looks forward to being able to hold Keagan once he is born, but is broken hearted that he will not be able to have a life-time with him to show him just how much he loves him. I always tell him that he is doing an awesome job loving his little guy and Keagan knows just how important he is to his daddy. As my husband, Roy is the perfect person for me - obviously one of the reasons we got married. He is there for me when I am weak and sad and scared, he listens or just lets me cry when I don't want to talk. He is supportive and the absolute best person to be with on this journey. Keagan and I are truly lucky to have him, just as Roy and I are lucky to have Keagan!
I've rambled enough - here is the note and a cute picture of Roy kissing his little guy, through my belly of course.

Hello Daddy’s Little Peanut!!!  I know that most people may think this is stupid but I am just to excited and I want to talk to you!!!  So I will send you a letter that I know your mommy will save forever and then you can read it when you are old enough to read…. If you are anything like your mom that will be when your are 10 months old!!!  I love you so much already and I know that your mom feels the same way!  We can not wait to meet you and hold you and hug n kiss you forever and ever!!  Just to give you some ground rules…

• Do not let the dog get on the couch.
• If you do just say “I didn’t see her there”  It works for me!
• If you are a girl… No boys til you get married! If you are a boy No boys PERIOD
• Mommy sleeps a lot so just grab the remote and turn it off lifetime and watch what you want.
• Honestly remember, no matter what you do you are always going to be our little peanut so just be honest with us and let us help you with whatever it is.

I promise to always love you and show you that I love you!  I promise to be that dad that does things with his children and it will be things you want to do.  I will always tell you about your Grandma Mary so you can know how great of a grandma she was even tho you were not born yet. 

                                                                                         Love Always and Forever,

               
                                                                                                                       Daddy

Heart to heart, we can face anything

Roy and I have done our best to really open our hearts to share Keagan's life story and our journey through this pregnancy. We try to share our joys, our fears, our love and our frustrations as honestly as we can. This is very therapeutic for us and it is so wonderful to hear how people's lives have been affected by Keagan and our story. Today marks 23 weeks in our pregnancy, and Keagan has been so influential in so many people's lives. We are so proud of our baby boy. By opening our hearts, we have connected with so many of your hearts and between the three of us, the hundreds of you and of course our God, we have confidence in our ability to make it through any situation we face. Thank you for connecting with us, heart to heart!

We have received more gifts of love this week. These gifts touch our hearts and warm them greatly! Thank you to all of you for your continued thoughts and prayers, and thank you to the individuals mentioned below for your additional outpowering of love.

This gift is from a long-time family friend, Chelsey. She crafts absolutely adorable pieces (www.etsy.com/shop/BaldBloomers) . If Keagan was a girl, he would definitely have some headbands from her!!! We'll have to wait for him to have a sister to get some of those though :) Roy ordered this necklace from Chelsey, but she would not let him pay for it. She is an amazing person and we are so thankful for this expression of love and support. I absolutely love the necklace! It is a little difficult to see in the picture, but the bird's nest holds one blue egg to represent our perfect little guy. I can not get over the beauty of this piece. Thank you Chelsey!

These beautiful flowers are from my college roommate, Lindsy. Lindsy is an awesome person and she loves Keagan just as if he were part of her family. Even though we don't get to talk much, she stays updated on how we're doing and sends sporadic messages to show her love to our family. This time she must not have thought a message was enough! I was very surprised to see a box of flowers on our front porch when I got home from work yesterday. I did not have a very good day so I thought the flowers might be from Roy, but I was even more suprised to see they were from Lindsy. She just wanted to send them (overnight, mind you) to let us know how happy she was that our fluid check went so well and once again to tell us she loves us. Such an unneccesary, unexpected but totally appreciated gift. Thank you little Linds!!! We love you too!

This picture frame is from Roy's boss, Emily. Roy's work has been amazing and so understanding with our weekly appointments and allowing me to call his cell phone at any time, but his boss went above and beyond. Roy may not like that I am putting this, but when Emily gave him this gift it brought tears to his eyes. We are both so appreciative that she would think of us at this personal level when she could easily keep their relationship completely work-related. The frame is able to have a sound recorded and at the bottom says "An unforgettable sound...an unforgettable love" How beautiful! Our plan is to record Keagan's heartbeat for now, and then if we have a chance record him crying after he is born. I say "if we have a chance" because Keagan may, but we have FAITH that he will not, be stillborn, but some babies with anencephaly are not able to cry. We know it may sound crazy that we want to have his cry recorded so we can hear it at any hour (usually quiet is desired by new parents), but this will be a precious and unforgettable sound to us and we want to have it forever. Thank you Emily for giving us this priceless opportunity to save the sounds of Keagan's life!

These books are all from Roy's former co-worker and our friend, Amy. She sent a cute note with them that read Keagan would be getting these from me anyways so now he just gets them a little early. Daddy's got some reading to do now! (I, being a children's book fanatic, have already read all three of them tonight!) In "A Kiss for Little Bear" a kiss for Little Bear from his grandmother is passed around from animal to animal. It reminds me of how Keagan's story is being "passed around" and shared with so many people and each person contributes to the journey. "Guess How Much I Love You" is an adorable story of trying to express the amount of love that is felt. As I'm sure you know, it is hard to tell someone how much you love them and get effectively get the extent across. If I had to choose words to tell Keagan how much Daddy and I love him, "to the moon and back" would not even come close. I absolutely love "The Giving Tree" so I am very thankful that she sent this to us. It is a story of giving until you have given everything you have. We would give anything to keep Keagan happy and to have him be healthy. An entirely healthy baby may or may not be in God's will, but we will give all of our love regardless. Thank you Amy for these books and for these reminders to us!

Our cousin, Trish (http://www.luckylolastudios.com/) was very generous and gave us a maternity session last night. We had so much fun, and it was enjoyable to feel Keagan kick when the flash would go off. We LOVE how the pictures turned out and are more grateful than words can express to Trish for helping us capture this very special time in our lives. Here are a few of our favorites:

Once again, a huge thank you to Trish and Lucky Lola Studios!!!

On the website anencephalie-info.org, it talks about what babies with anencephaly may or may not be able to do. I love this line: "But most of all, they respond to our love: you don’t need a complete brain to give and receive love- all you need is a heart!" It is amazing what the human can heart do, and we are amazed by your hearts and the love you show our family. Thank you!