Heartbeat Check #4

Roy and my dad came to the heartbeat check today. I asked Dad to come because we initially did not think Roy would be able to go, but he said he wanted to be there for his son. It was nice to have them both there and have their wonderful humor fill the air while we waited for the doctor. Keagan's heart rate today was 140! As always we loved getting to hear his heartbeat and have the confirmation that he is still doing well. The doctor did not find his heartbeat quite as quickly as he has in the past, but I think that was because Keagan was moving. He is becoming very active, and I love it! I have read that babies with anencephaly are typically more active and have stronger "love taps" than other babies. I am very happy with this because I have not had to worry much about whether or not baby K is doing okay, as I only have to wait about an hour or so for him to give me a sign he is doing fine in there!

Keagan's heart is very strong and we are so thankful for that. I have read posts from other anencephaly moms who have said similar things about their babies and then go on to say they hope their babies' strong hearts will help another baby. Obviously, these moms/parents have chosen to have their baby be an organ donor. Roy and I have been faced with some difficult decisions that we would not wish on anyone. We have done our best to think through the pro's and con's of each side of our decisions. This process is not easy - it is emotionally and mentally draining at times. (Having our positive doctor's appointments and celebrating Keagan's life and his "firsts" helps us get through all of the harder times.)

Organ donation is one of these decisions, but it is not something we have talked about in great depth. I do not know much about this option, but I have read that it is not always an easy process and not always a possibility with a baby like Keagan due to terminology. I am thankful for and admire the families who choose this and understand the reasoning. It can help with the grieving process, it may help families find the "purpose" in their children's lives, and it can save the lives of babies who do have a greater chance of survival. I have a hard time even looking up information and trying to research the medical pro's and con's as it makes everything so real. My baby is alive and well, I don't want to think about donating the organs that are allowing us to enjoy life with him everyday. This may seem selfish of me, but we don't think baby Keagan being an organ donor is the best choice for our family. In my opinion, it is definitely something that needs to be considered but ultimately is a family choice. Keagan has touched so many and hopefully has had a role in saving souls, and that we think those are some of the purposes of his life.

When we are exposed to additional things we have to think about, it hurts. We try to live each day and enjoy each moment with our sweet baby. Having to think about things that will be important after our baby's passing makes us think about the bigger picture and realize once again the reality of the situation. We need to do this, but it is not something we like to do often. The even bigger picture, and the most important is that Keagan will ultimately be healed and made whole in Heaven. That is bittersweet, but it does bring us joy in the shadows of the decisions we have to make.