Keagan's First...

OSU Basketball Game!

Really, this post should be titled "Our Family's First..." as Roy and I have never been to an OSU game either. The game we went to was OSU vs. Wisconsin last night and it was the most amazing experience! We had such a great time and were very happy to be able to create this memory as a whole family. Keagan's Gramma and Papaw bought us the tickets to the game, which we are incredibly grateful for. They have been to a few games before and knew how memorable it would be for us to have this time with Keagan, and how fun the game would be in general. My parents are absolutely amazing and are doing everything they can to help us along this journey. We love them so much and know Keagan feels the same way!!!

My Aunt Peggy works at the Schottenstein Center and she did everything she could as well to make this a special night for all three of us, and, once again, it was AMAZING! She works on the floor by the student section and the band. It was so much fun to see her working and interacting with people she has made relationships with just by being there. She is like a celebrity there - everyone knows "Peggy" :) We felt special just because we knew her, but she did so much more to make us feel special. She gave us a few extra perks, a goody bag (there were sour gummy worms, but they didn't quite make it to the picture below!), and eventually got us from the 3rd level where our tickets from mom and dad were to the first row on the floor right beside her!!!

I hope you can tell from reading and how many times I have said amazing and special that this was the perfect night for us and we owe it all to my parents and Aunt Peggy. Towards the end of the game, it was getting loud in the gym and I was standing up and sitting down frequently to cheer. Keagan must have felt the excitement because he started kicking...HARD. That is such an amazing (sorry, not much variety in my word choice tonight...) feeling and I love it everytime. There were times last night where he would kick out of nowhere and it would make me jump because of how hard it was. Even on the car ride home, when I very rarely feel him move, he continued to make his presence known. He must have loved the game as much as Mommy and Daddy did. Once again, thank you to our awesome family members to making this memorable night possible. We love you and baby Keagan, we all love you!

*I haven't quite figured out how to post and format pictures on here, so I apologize for the way these are arranged.

 

Heartbeat Check #3

We had our weekly heartbeat check today (Mom was able to come with me again, due to Roy's work schedule), and once again Keagan's heartbeat was easy to find and measured within the "normal" range. With a heartrate of 158 today, I am at so much peace knowing he is continuing to grow and develop well. As you may have read through our posts, baby Keagan's heartrate has consistently been at the higher end of the 120-160 range. According to the old wive's tale, this would indicate that we are carrying a girl. Well don't you worry...Keagan is ALL boy; his heartrate obviously doesn't indicate his gender, but what it does show is that he is strong and he is a fighter!

An ultrasound picture from our Jan. 3rd appointment

(Sorry for exposing you like this baby!!!)

Goodness...I can't get over how sweet and precious our baby is - we love him so much! We are proud parents and so happy to share his life with so many of you.

When I was younger, I used to love writing poetry. I am currently working on a poem for our baby boy and can not wait to one day share it with all of you. I hope I am able to find the words to express my thoughts and feelings and unconditional love in a perfect way to my perfect boy. Until that day, here is a simple quote from a wise character...Winnie the Pooh, of course!

How true this is, especially with our little guy. Measuring the size of a banana this week, sweet baby Keagan has filled our hearts beyond our imagination.

 
*Next week we have our fluid check as opposed to a weekly heartbeat check. We will still post Monday night about the findings and with Keagan's heartrate for those of you who check on Tuesday mornings :)

Keagan's First...

Night as "Big Man on Campus!"

Roy graduated from Wright State University in 2007. As most colleges are, this was a place where he met several people who are now his best friends, had a lot of fun times and created some unforgettable memories. We have gone there several times as a couple since we have been together and always enjoy ourselves.

This past weekend was our four year-first date anniversary. Four years ago on January 24, Roy came up to Bowling Green, where I attended, to play in a volleyball tournament with me and our relationship grew from there to the amazing thing that it is today. Instead of going to Bowling Green this weekend, we went back to Wright State to celebrate our anniversary and this also gave Roy a chance to "walk down memory lane" with his precious first baby. (Don't worry...Keagan WILL be going to Bowling Green within the next few weeks as well!)

I asked Roy to help me write this post, because even though this was a great time for me, I know it was an incredibly important and memorable experience for him. (His comments are italicized.)

With the snow on Friday, we were worried about the drive down but the roads were fine and even if they weren't, we would have found a way to get there.We stayed in Dayton all weekend.  Friday night we went to La Rosa's. This is an Italian restaurant, which is our favorite kind of food! Going to La Rosa's was something my friends and I did several weekends over our college careers. We would always order appetizers and watch sports, which I know Keagan would have loved to do at WSU. 

To start off the day Saturday, we went to Build-A-Bear at the mall with Keagan's heartbeat recording. I have only been there one time several years ago, and Roy swore he would never go into this store. He broke the rules for Keagan, but he stuck by his guns that he would never do that for me. I think I could talk him into it though... :)  We had so much fun and we absolutely love the bear we ended up with! The bear we picked is so soft and adorable. Several times Roy has referred to baby Keagan as our "peanut" so when we saw the name of this golden brown bear include "Peanut" we knew it was perfect. We picked out our Keagan bear, put his heartbeat recording in the hand, dropped in one heart from each of us and then stuffed him. During this time, the worker was asking questions about our baby. I gave the standard answers - boy, due June 5, Keagan, feeling good. My heart was torn as to whether to share more and allow Keagan's life to hopefully touch someone else's once again, but I decided not to as we were having so much fun and I did not want to have someone innocently apologizing about our situation as we tried to celebrate the love of our lives. She was a very sweet girl and showed us so much love even without knowing Keagan's story. We proceeded to the "fluff me" station where I made Roy give our bear a bath. He, of course, was his goofy self and washed under "Keagan's" armpits and behind his ears. We tried to pick out an outfit but nothing seemed to be perfect enough. I do plan to get a hat for our bear though, as Keagan will very frequently be wearing a hat after he is born.
What a fun experience! And once again, thank you to Nick and Andrea for this wonderful and thoughtful gift!!

We walked around the mall a little, ate at the food court, and then went shopping at a few other stores. I was able to get the ink remover for when we create our keepsakes at the hospital and also some CUTE baskets to take all of our things to the hospital in.

After a nap back at the hotel, we went to Linh's. This is our favorite restaurant in Dayton. We had a scare when we pulled up and the "Open" sign was not lit and there were no cars in the parking lot. Luckily, there was a sign on the window saying they just moved locations. This delicious Chinese/Vietnamese restaurant went from a hole-in-the-wall to a 10-minute wait to even get a table strip-mall restaurant. 

After our wonderful dinner, we headed to campus for the Wright State vs. University of Illinois Chicago boys basketball game. The crowd was huge and it took a long time for us to even get tickets, but the wait and the cold were totally worth it!

One of the main things I enjoyed from Wright State was going to the basketball games and cheering on the team with my friends. This meant a lot to me when I took Jenny when we were dating, and it was something I looked forward to doing with my child as soon as we found out we were pregnant. Even though the sad reality is that Keagan will never get to go to college and graduate, it was still a dream  come true for me to be able to take my son to a Wright State game. We were able to get a free shirt and towel and these items will be forever cherished as memories of what we got to experience with Keagan. Being able to take him into the gym where I worked and played volleyball and practiced cheerleading are memories I will never be able to replace. The tradition still carries on.

Wright State lost the game on Saturday, but it was a great time and Keagan seemed to enjoy the loud band - kicking and moving around a lot! That night, I was able to catch him kicking and my stomach jumping on video for the first time. Another moment that will be forever remembered.

Before finishing this post, I wanted to open up my heart and get some thoughts out there as it really is therapeutic for me. I noticed a trend in the past two weekends - I seem to have a very rough day the day after we have one of our outings with Keagan. I have had so much fun celebrating his life and getting to share these experiences with him and I love planning more for the upcoming weeks. But it seems like when we get home, the reality of what we are doing hits me...hard. We are doing "Keagan's Firsts"...but they are likely his only's as well. Our baby will not get to experience so many of life's joy...nor life's struggles. We will not get to teach him lessons through the ups-and-downs, see him take his first steps, hear his first word, and see him go to a school or college of his own. This is so hard to understand and to handle. Several people have told us we are strong, and we appreciate the words and encouragement more than anyone can understand. In all honesty though, we are doing our best to be strong, but there are times when I feel as though we're hanging on by a thread. We will continue to hang on with all of our might (and our faith) and we will not stop sharing life with Keagan. His life and our love for him are what keeps us going each day. He is teaching us and those around us lessons that are probably more important than any lesson we could ever teach him. One thing we want to show our baby and we believe he feels is that love is the most important thing in life, that we love him with all of our hearts and "Love never fails."

"Here's lookin' at you kid..."

First, let me start off by saying I asked Roy what to name this post and that was what he came up with - not my doing at all :)

Yesterday, 1-22-13, we had another ultrasound. It turns out that the technician at our local doctor's office did not record the ultrasound we had on the 3rd. We have mixed feelings about this. We definitely wanted to have that first ultrasound on DVD as we had requested prior to him starting the scan - regardless of the bad news we received, that was the first time we got to see our precious, beautiful baby moving all around. Unfortunately, he did not record the scan due to what he saw and we are frustrated that we will never be able to get that back. On the other hand, they offered us another scan free of charge and this gave us another chance to see our baby in the protection of my belly, allowing us to create more memories of him while he is still well and able to move freely. And, Baby Keagan was definitely doing just that.

He moved so much during the scan and brought so much joy to Roy and I. Again, the technician noted that he was physically perfect starting at his eyes and going down. (He is completely perfect to us!) I had two favorites from the scan that may seem insignificant to others, but were great memories for me. There was one point when technician got a very clear view of the bottom of Keagan's feet. He caught them on the DVD then used the probe to shake my belly. Keagan's response of kicking his legs (saying "quit that!") was beautiful! The other moment was when the technician caught him flipping over completely. Again, as small as that may be to some people, it was incredibly important for me to see. It just confirmed with me that our baby really is doing well right now.

To be honest, I was nervous going into this appointment seeing as how the last time we were in that room is when they first found Keagan's condition. We were praying maybe God had performed a miracle and Keagan would be healed when we saw him this time. Obviously that was not the case, but that does not change our love one bit. We are not going to give up praying for this miracle, but we also just pray the length of Keagan's life, my health and our emotional state. We also pray that we can continue to enjoy this time we have with Keagan. We know so many people are praying for our family as well, and we are so incredibly grateful for that. Your prayers are being felt and we know they're being heard by the One who is control of this all.

                        

                     20 Weeks                                   Sweet Baby Keagan "Smiling" (in my opinion, at least!)

Heartbeat Check #2

My mom and I went to our second heartbeat check today. Once again, our doctor was able to find the heartbeat easily and reported that the rate was between 150 and 160! Such great news! Generally after our appointments or updates, I text my family about what we heard. My dad's response to today's message was perfect. Since Keagan's heartrate went up slightly from our first check, he said "Keep singing and reading to Keagan. He likes it!" These simple words were so special to me. Keagan is such a lucky boy; he has some of the best family in the world!

On a side note, my mom and I went shopping today for some keepsake items. While shopping I came across a sign that I have seen referenced many times recently. But today the words on the sign took on a whole new meaning.

Baby Keagan, Daddy and I are doing our best to "keep calm" but I will definitely "carry [you] on" through the remainder of this pregnancy, and I will do so with so much joy! We love you!

Children's Books

When I got pregnant, right away I started looking forward to so many things, one of which was reading to my baby boy every night before putting him to bed. I have collected children's books since Roy and I started dating and could not wait to share them with our children. I think there is so much truth and so many lessons in children's books. In fact I took a course in college, called Children's Literature. (Instead of big textbooks, we had to purchase several children's books which was a welcomed change!) We read these books throughout the class and our professor always told us "dig deeper" to find the meaning. Sometimes this was not an easy task (with books with no words!) but other times I thought the meaning was right on the surface. This class and thinking has come back to me in the past few weeks.

Roy has started to read to Keagan at night. The night we made our decision to continue to carry our precious baby to term, Roy chose a book out of our collection without knowing much about it. Keagan's first book was titled "Mia Hamm Winners Never Quit." He said he chose this book because of the title and because we felt that our baby wasn't going to quit fighting, nor would we quit fighting for him. The story was about Mia Hamm, the soccer player, and the fact that she would quit every game before she would lose because she couldn't make a goal. The story goes through her frustration, but also her perserverance and ends with her scoring the game winning goal. A few lines in this story really stood out to me. They read "Mia kicked the ball as hard as she could. Maybe she'd score the goal. Maybe she wouldn't. But she was playing and that was more important than winning or losing." This last line really hit my heart. We do not know what will happen with baby Keagan. We know what doctors and medical research says, but we do not know God's will or plan. What we do know is Keagan is our son and all three of us were chosen to go through this. We love him unconditionally with all of our heart and will do so forever, and that is more important than any diagnosis or the length of his life on earth.


Another important book that Roy has read to Keagan is called "God Made You Special." This is a book from Keagan's Gramma and Papaw (my mom and dad) that also has so much truth and brings me to tears everytime I read it. It is a Veggie Tales book which makes it that much better :) I have decided to just copy the words here because, even though they are extremely simple, they show how our family feels about Keagan David exactly how they are written.

"God made the heavens, the land and the sea, the fish in the ocean, the birds and the bees. He grew all the plants, put fruit on the trees. He made everything - he even made me! He picked out my smile, my eyes, and my nose. He was very particular from my head to my toes. I'm just what he wanted, and I think it shows that he's really creative and all of heaven knows...He thought it all over. He made me just right. I make him happy - I am his delight. When I look in the mirror, I see his touch...'cause God made me special and he loves me very much! Sometimes I feel down. Sometimes I feel blue, Don't like something about me - it's sad but it's true. But then I'm reminded that God had a plan. He wants me to be just the way that I am. He thought it all over. He made me just right. I make him happy - I am his delight.When I look in the mirror, I see his touch...'cause God made me special and he loves me very much! God wasn't finished. No, he had more to do. He planned something wonderful - that's when he made you! He thought it all over. He got it just right. You make him happy - you are his delight. When you look in the mirror, you'll see his touch...'cause God made you special and he loves you very much!"

God made Keagan perfect, exactly the way He wanted him. He truly is so special and we know that all of this was part of God's plan. We still struggle with the why, but know that God "got it just right." Keagan is loved so much by Roy and I, our families, so many friends who have expresssed their feelings, and by his Father in Heaven.

Children's books are still one of my favorite things and I still look forward to reading to our baby boy as often as we can. The time when we read to Keagan allows us to bond with him, spend special quiet time with him and allows me to connect to these words and feel at peace with our situation.

Keagan's First...

Arcade Experience!!!
Roy and I love playing any kind of game together and thought going to an arcade would be something perfect for us to share with our precious baby. We decided to go to Dave and Buster's. It was an awesome time and baby Keagan definitely brought me some luck or increased skill level - we actually beat Roy in a few games, which is a rare occassion!

          First win!! Wheel of Fortune!           Skee Ball - Mommy and Daddy's favorite!

Trying to determine which one Keagan would be better at. Basketball was definitely the winner!

       Daddy trying to impress us :)       I thought this was a great use of some of our tickets -                                                  representing our baby BOY!!! Not to mention, it talks!

Not sure if this is neat or weird...but we did a baby prediction photo booth. Baby Keagan, is this what you will look like!?! While this picture is cute, Roy and I agree that Baby K will be much, much cuter! We can't wait to see the perfect and adorable you!

Keagan's First....

Night away from home!!!
Roy decided it would be nice for us to have a night away - even if it was only about 40 miles away.

Being Keagan's first night away from home, I thought about how we would both be feeling if he was a few months old spending the night with Gramma and Papaw or even a few years old and spending the night at a friends house. I know I would be nervous about how he was doing and probably have a sleepless night. I would be missing him like crazy and like to think he would be feeling the same way. Thankfully I was not worried or nervous at all last night, because my baby was with me all night long! I love being a mother and being able to be with my baby 24/7 right now. I am cherishing every minute of the life we get to spend together and love the bond that we have already.

Knowing our baby was with us and doing well, as I felt a few kicks right before falling asleep, Roy and I got a good nights rest. Our bed was very comfortable and we were able to sleep in. Roy slept in a little longer than me, because Keagan and I needed breakfast and I don't pass up on free breakfast! We woke up ready for our next adventure and could not wait to share it with Keagan (see the next post!)

20 Weeks in Mommy's Belly Party

One thing that has been difficult for me to cope with since learning of Keagan's birth defect is the thought that we will never be able to have a birthday party for our son. Roy and I agreed though that we will celebrate our son's birth every year; but my husband, being the amazing man that he is, wanted us to have more.

Yesterday marked 20 weeks in our pregnancy. In the middle of the day, Roy told me that he had planned a surprise for me. I had no clue what he had in store, but I kept waiting throughout the day for him to tell me, because anyone who knows Roy knows he can't keep secrets. I even asked him tonight, "You're really not going to tell me what it is?!" I'm proud of him for keeping this one to himself because it made it so special!
 
We had a volleyball game tonight and planned to go to my parents' house afterwards. When I got there, he and I just sat in the living room and he tried to convince me there was no surprise afterall - that really he just wanted to hang out and watch Vampire Diaries (knowing this is one of the shows I generally refuse to watch). But then my mom came out and asked me to help with something in the sunroom. I was shocked when I saw the sunroom simply, but beautifully decorated and heard Roy say "It's Keagan's 20 week birthday party!" Come to find out, Roy had decided at his lunch today that he was going to plan a surprise party for baby Keagan. (It's amazing what he can do in such a short period of time, with the help of my mom, Gramma!) He told me he wished other people could have been there and I definitely did too, but I really appreciate his efforts and enjoyed every bit of what he planned.








Between Daddy and Gramma, there were balloons, cucpakes and jelly beans, gifts, a beautiful wall banner and amazing memories made. Roy told me about the different flavors of cupcakes (obviously very important to this lady!) from my favorite cupcake shop and then handed me a book he had purchased. I don't think he knew this but the book was from a "series" that my mom and I had gotten for my sister and nephew at her baby shower, which made it even more special. The book, "That's Not My Baby", is so cute and the last page reads "That's my baby! It's you!" There is a mirror but Roy put a picture from our ultrasound in its place. It was absolutely perfect and brought me to tears. No baby compares to our baby - he is so special and we love him so much - and this book got that message across perfectly!
 





I opened the gift from my parents, which was a CD set of bible songs for me to sing to Keagan. This was a perfect gift, and Keagan and I have already enjoyed listening to a few of the songs! We then took some very fun pictures, some classic Halterman pictures (birthday boy with his birthday treat) and enoyed the delicious cupcakes! It was an awesome night and I am so happy to have created this memory with our baby boy. A huge thank you to Roy for planning it and to mom for adding her special little touches!