Our Decision

From our appointment Thursday the 3rd until Monday the 7th, we had so many thoughts that went through our minds. So many conversations were had and many more tears were shed. Family and friends offered their support, and many times we were told that whatever we decided to do, that we would be supported and loved. During the first few days after our ultrasound, my family helped to keep me busy which I appreciated so much, but ultimately every night, Roy and I were still faced with the decision to deliver our son early or carry to term.  In our searching, I was able to find blogs of other mothers who had also had babies diagnosed with anencepahly. Most of these mothers had carried to term, or had planned to and delivered early because of pre-term labor or the excess amount of amniotic fluid. Their stories were so encouraging, and I have already made some new friends through this which I am incredibly grateful for. I understood their reasoning, and several of the same thoughts were the ones Roy and I shared, but we still had our concerns. Roy's greatest concern was, and continues to be, my health and his desire to get to hold our baby while he is alive.

A lot of stories we read said the parents knew right away that they were going to carry to term. To be honest, we did not know. As bad as it may sound, it was not an easy decision for us. Our very first instinct was that I could not carry the baby to term because I would continue to grow and feel like everything was going well, but the true outcome would always be in the back of our minds. It would be so emotionally draining to think about everything that was going on for four more months, likely crying everyday, and every kick and every question we were asked would remind us of it all. We were also concerned, as I said above, about possible complications that the doctors had presented to us regarding both the baby and myself. There are several statistics related to  this diagnosis regarding miscarriages and having a stillborn baby. We wanted to have the best chance to hold our baby and enjoy his life in our arms, and we were unsure of when to deliver to make this most likely to happen.

After several rounds of questions to our doctors to gain a better understanding, our high risk doctor called me on Monday the 7th and said that she was incorrect with the previous information she gave us. She informed us that we did indeed have to choose to actually deliver, not just be induced, prior to 20 weeks or carry full-term. She said there was a slight chance we could deliver between the two, but that it would be difficult to get a doctor to agree to that. At the point I was nearly 19 weeks. That would mean I would have to go into the hospital that week to get induced and give my body enough time to prepare for labor. As frustrating as it was that we had received incorrect information, it helped us to make a decision. There was absolutely no way we could deliver that week. Our thought was and continues to be, that we would like to deliver a little early to limit some complications but we would much rather carry to term than make a decision to end the time we have with our baby so quickly. The doctors are going to monitor me, the baby and pregnancy closely (every week) to make sure everything is going as planned. Early induction may be needed at some point depending on what they find at our heartbeat and fluid checks, but we continue to pray for a smooth pregnancy.

After we made our decision, we felt so much peace. In fact, I did not cry for several days after that and I was told mutliple times that that just showed we made the right decision for us. As we continued to process this decision, we know that this truly was the right decision for us. By continuing to carry our son, we believe that we are giving him a better chance at even a slightly longer life after birth, that God will bless and protect Keagan and I for the decision we made, and that there is a chance for a miracle to be performed. We truly believe our son could be healed, but also understand and are willing to accept God's will. Also, we are so enjoying our son's life and making the most of it. We are planning things for Keagan to do now, which I will share in future posts (titled "Keagan's First...") and are very excited to share those experiences with our baby.

Every kick is doing just the opposite of what I had initially thought. Instead of reminding me of everything that is "wrong," they instead remind me of our miracle and the unconditional love we have for that little guy. Every question we are asked gives us a chance to share with people about our sweet baby and also ask in return for prayers, which we are so thankful for. I am so happy that we have a son, that he is doing well right now, and that Roy and I have the chance to be parents such a special boy. This is not to say we are not feeling sad and heartbroken about our baby, but we are making the most of the time we have. We still break down when we think about the things we will never get to do with Keagan, but these next few months is the time we get to enjoy with our baby and we are going to do just that.