Heartbeat Check #1

Monday we had our first appointment with our local doctor since our ultrasound. We were able to ask more questions, but most importantly we were able to hear baby Keagan's heartbeat. The doctor was able to find it quickly and his heartrate was 148 - still strong, just as we prayed for and expected! We were also able to get a recording so we can later make a Build-A-Bear with the precious sound forever recorded (thanks to some awesome co-workers/friends, Nick and Andrea!) Our doctor was great and made sure we were satisfied with the recording and was willing to re-record as many times as we wanted. It only took two times though :)

Last night was another significant night for us - Keagan finally let Roy feel him kicking! Up until last night when he would be kicking and I would tell Roy to feel, Keagan would always stop - great sense of humor? Another trait from daddy??? Last night Roy and I were relaxing and watching a movie...and of course eating some ice cream. Well Baby K must really love chocolate because he started moving a ton, and Roy was able to enjoy feeling his movements for the first time! He absolutely cherished the moment and was so thrilled to know that Keagan was doing well. He loves his little guy so much.

We are so incredibly thankful he is doing well - strong heartbeat and lots of kicks!

Proud Daddy!

Our Decision

From our appointment Thursday the 3rd until Monday the 7th, we had so many thoughts that went through our minds. So many conversations were had and many more tears were shed. Family and friends offered their support, and many times we were told that whatever we decided to do, that we would be supported and loved. During the first few days after our ultrasound, my family helped to keep me busy which I appreciated so much, but ultimately every night, Roy and I were still faced with the decision to deliver our son early or carry to term.  In our searching, I was able to find blogs of other mothers who had also had babies diagnosed with anencepahly. Most of these mothers had carried to term, or had planned to and delivered early because of pre-term labor or the excess amount of amniotic fluid. Their stories were so encouraging, and I have already made some new friends through this which I am incredibly grateful for. I understood their reasoning, and several of the same thoughts were the ones Roy and I shared, but we still had our concerns. Roy's greatest concern was, and continues to be, my health and his desire to get to hold our baby while he is alive.

A lot of stories we read said the parents knew right away that they were going to carry to term. To be honest, we did not know. As bad as it may sound, it was not an easy decision for us. Our very first instinct was that I could not carry the baby to term because I would continue to grow and feel like everything was going well, but the true outcome would always be in the back of our minds. It would be so emotionally draining to think about everything that was going on for four more months, likely crying everyday, and every kick and every question we were asked would remind us of it all. We were also concerned, as I said above, about possible complications that the doctors had presented to us regarding both the baby and myself. There are several statistics related to  this diagnosis regarding miscarriages and having a stillborn baby. We wanted to have the best chance to hold our baby and enjoy his life in our arms, and we were unsure of when to deliver to make this most likely to happen.

After several rounds of questions to our doctors to gain a better understanding, our high risk doctor called me on Monday the 7th and said that she was incorrect with the previous information she gave us. She informed us that we did indeed have to choose to actually deliver, not just be induced, prior to 20 weeks or carry full-term. She said there was a slight chance we could deliver between the two, but that it would be difficult to get a doctor to agree to that. At the point I was nearly 19 weeks. That would mean I would have to go into the hospital that week to get induced and give my body enough time to prepare for labor. As frustrating as it was that we had received incorrect information, it helped us to make a decision. There was absolutely no way we could deliver that week. Our thought was and continues to be, that we would like to deliver a little early to limit some complications but we would much rather carry to term than make a decision to end the time we have with our baby so quickly. The doctors are going to monitor me, the baby and pregnancy closely (every week) to make sure everything is going as planned. Early induction may be needed at some point depending on what they find at our heartbeat and fluid checks, but we continue to pray for a smooth pregnancy.

After we made our decision, we felt so much peace. In fact, I did not cry for several days after that and I was told mutliple times that that just showed we made the right decision for us. As we continued to process this decision, we know that this truly was the right decision for us. By continuing to carry our son, we believe that we are giving him a better chance at even a slightly longer life after birth, that God will bless and protect Keagan and I for the decision we made, and that there is a chance for a miracle to be performed. We truly believe our son could be healed, but also understand and are willing to accept God's will. Also, we are so enjoying our son's life and making the most of it. We are planning things for Keagan to do now, which I will share in future posts (titled "Keagan's First...") and are very excited to share those experiences with our baby.

Every kick is doing just the opposite of what I had initially thought. Instead of reminding me of everything that is "wrong," they instead remind me of our miracle and the unconditional love we have for that little guy. Every question we are asked gives us a chance to share with people about our sweet baby and also ask in return for prayers, which we are so thankful for. I am so happy that we have a son, that he is doing well right now, and that Roy and I have the chance to be parents such a special boy. This is not to say we are not feeling sad and heartbroken about our baby, but we are making the most of the time we have. We still break down when we think about the things we will never get to do with Keagan, but these next few months is the time we get to enjoy with our baby and we are going to do just that.

Gender Appointment...and so much more

Being my first post...this is probably going to be long. Bear with me :)
On January 3, Roy and I went in for a routine 18 week ultrasound and to find out the gender of our precious baby. I was still on winter break from school and Roy took the day off so that we could celebrate our appointment, go shopping for a little bit, and then prepare for our gender reveal party that night. We were so excited for this day and so anxious to see if we were going to have a boy or girl! Our ultrasound was going great and we were so happy to see our baby kicking and wiggling around (making it difficult for the technician to get good measurements...stubborn little one...I guess baby is taking after daddy in that area!) The technician had me moving around on the table and shaking my stomach so he could try to get good measurements. He was having an exceptionally hard time getting a measurement on our baby's head, saying the position was making it difficult. After a little while, he was able to tell us our baby was measuring just a little small overall, but he was 8 oz which was in the correct range. His heart rate was 150 and he was doing well as far as we could tell. The next sentence though is what changed our day. He also told us that "This little person presents some concerns for me." Trying to hold myself together, I reached over for Roy's hand but avoided eye contact because I knew that could cause me to break down, and I just said "Okay." He said the doctor would tell us more and that sometimes these concerns turn out to be worrisome but sometimes they don't. In all of this, the technician did not tell us the gender of our baby so I made sure to ask before we left the room. As we were getting ready to walk out, he told us we had a little BOY in there!
We had to return to the waiting room to wait for our appointment with the doctor. The waiting room seemed so full, and Roy and I were still doing our best to keep ourselves composed especially with all of those people around. We were trying to enjoy the fact that we had a son, but the one sentence from the technician was not leaving the forefronts of our thoughts. I sent a text message to my parents and siblings, letting them know something was wrong but that we didn't know anything else. After what seemed like forever we were called into a room to see the doctor where we had to wait for a while and thoughts were just running through my head. I remember telling Roy at one point that maybe this was why I was in special education. Maybe our baby had a disability and that's why I have always had a heart for individuals with special needs. He told me he was okay with anything - we saw the baby moving and heard the heartbeat and that's what mattered.
When the doctor came in, he told us that when they do an ultrasound they are looking at 20-something parts of the baby and sometimes they find something that is concerning, and that is what happened in our case. He told us that the ultrasound showed that our baby has "no brain and no skull." This birth defect is called anencephaly. He told us a little more about this diagnosis and I was trying to absorb as much as I could, while trying to manage being hit with this information on a day that we had hoped would be so joyous. He told us it was neural tube defect, and the neural tube did not close early on in the pregnancy. At one point, he asked if Roy and I wanted to be alone for a minute, but I immediately replied "No, I would rather just hear all of this information." I asked how could our baby have "no brain" but still be moving inside of me. He said he did have the lower portion of the brain (brain stem), but nothing that would allow for any sort of life. He assured us that even though they are unsure what causes anencephaly, that it was not we did or did not do. He proceeded to tell us the prognosis of our baby with this diagnosis. He said there has been no recorded case of any baby having sustained life with this condition. This obviously hit our hearts so heavily. He then told us our options knowing this new information about our sweet baby. We could decide to "terminate" the baby prior to 20 weeks in accordance with a state law, or we could carry the baby to term. Even if we decided to carry to term, he said our baby may be stillborn, he may take a few breaths, or he could live for just a few hours. He said we did not have to make the decision right then, but I asked what his medical recommendation would be. The doctor said that he did not have a recommendation, but that we had to be confident that whatever decision we made, that it was the right decision for us. After spending a lot of time with us, explaining and allowing us to ask questions, he told us we needed to have a high risk ultrasound at another facility and left the room to schedule that appointment.
Roy and I fell apart at that point - apologizing to eachother and just embracing eachother with all the love we had. I called my mom to ask her to come to the doctor's office but did not tell her anything at that point. A nurse came in and told us the hospital could get us in at 11:00...it was 10:10 and the hospital was 40 minutes away. We left the building immediately, but sat in the car for a little while - one to wait on my mom to arrive, and two to let everything sink in the best we could and talk about our thoughts. This ended up being mostly crying, which is what we needed at the time. When my mom arrived, I stopped her in the parking lot and Roy immediately left to tell his dad in person. He was going to meet us at the hospital with his aunt. I told my mom what they had found, but we didn't have much time to hug and cry as we had to be at the hospital shortly. On the way, I called my sister and dad as well as informed my brother. They were all so shocked and so sympathetic, but at a loss for words, as was a trend as we continued to tell family and friends in the following week.
At the hospital, they confirmed the findings from our doctor's office and explained everything to us once again. Hearing it the second time wasn't any easier than the first. We weren't sure what questions to ask at our doctor's office because no such thought had entered our mind prior to that appointment, so with the high risk doctor we were able to ask a few questions we had thought of on the way and our family asked some we hadn't thought of yet. One of the most important things I think I asked for my own peace of mind was if the baby was in any pain. I wanted to know that my son was not suffering and that he would continue to develop. The doctor confirmed both - he does not have any pain and will continue to grow. We also learned of risks/complications that may come up in the pregnancy. Aside from the typical pregnancy risks (high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, etc.) the doctor said the main additional risk was polyhydramnios. This is an excess of amniotic fluid because the baby may never develop or may have difficulty swallowing the amniotic fluid. The doctor said they could drain the amniotic fluid occasionally so there was no real risk to me. This doctor told us that we did not have to decide to be induced before twenty weeks, but instead that we could choose to deliver at any point. This terminology was so much more comforting to me. I could never "terminate" my baby, but I felt I could at least think about being induced early to reduce risks to my baby and me.
After leaving the hospital, the day seems like a blur - crying, talking through options, crying, telling family and close friends, cancelling the party for that night, crying some more, and researching. I was able to find some more information on the internet and highly recommend this website if you are wanting to find out more about anencephaly: anencephalie-info.org/ Some of the pictures are difficult to look at at first, but knowing the story behind these babies and that our son is expected to have a similar appearance, we find SO much beauty in these babies.
In all of the anger, sorrow, and confusion of this day, Roy and I decided we were still going to celebrate the fact that we were going to have a baby BOY. We iced a few of the cupcakes we had made for the gender reveal party and took pictures to enjoy the moment. We both knew throughout the day, that regardless of anything that was "wrong" with our baby, he was still perfect to us and we loved him just the same, if not more, than before our appointment. We had decided on a boy name before we even got pregnant - this "already sweet, already perfect, already loved" baby is our baby, Keagan David.