Dear Keagan - A Letter from Daddy

My Sweet Baby Boy,

 

Mama wanted me to write you a letter and when she asked me the first thought I had was, "How am I suppose to do that? I have so much to tell him, to ask him, to teach him and for him to teach me that I could not possibly fit it all in one letter and I could not find the right words to use to express how much you mean to me or how much I love you and most importantly how proud I am to be your father!" I always think about you and the times we have shared together and the time and memories that I may not get to have with you. I know deep down in my heart that you will always be here with me just as Nana is and I know you will watch over your mother and I along with the rest of the family but then I can not help but think I should be the one watching over you and that breaks my heart. I hope and pray that you know that I would take your place in a heart beat if the Lord would allow me and I have prayed for that many times. People may think that I am just saying that and I know that it upsets your mother but it is something that I would do a million times over. You have so much to give to this world and to your family. You are my Superman and you are the one in my mind sent to this life to help show people love and how to love unconditionally. You may not think that you have done anything yet in your life but son you really have. You have changed so many individuals hearts and minds and that includes mine. You have taught me how to fully love again! You have taught me how to open my heart to everyone and to share each little moment as its the most special moment I will ever have. Being a father has changed my outlook on each day and for that I thank you son. You have allowed me to wake up each day with the purpose to make you proud of your old man and to look at the family and friends that I am surrounded by and to appreciate them and not take anything for granted anymore.

I want to tell you a little about your mom. She loves you very much and I know that she would trade her life for yours just like I would. Every little kick and jab you give her she appreciates and knows that is you playing with her. I wish that you would have a chance to see her and to have the chance for her to share all of her dreams and wishes with you. When we first found out that you were going to be on the way we both talked about all of the things we would do with you and all the sacrifices that we would gladly make to allow you to have the best childhood that you would ever want. I know that she was planning to do all of these fun activities for you and her to do together and she planned to have the chance to teach you just like your gramma taught her growing up. Your mother loves you very very much and there are times when I think she loves you more than she loves me and that is okay! You are the only man I am okay with her loving more than she does me! I know you will but please make sure you watch over her all the time and let her know from time to time that you are still right there with her. I know the love that I had for my mom, your Nana that you will get to be with everyday, and I know that if you are going to be anything like your dad that you will love your mom just as much! I looked forward to seeing you two do everything together and being able to come home from work and seeing you work on crafts with her or coloring pictures to give me to hang at work at my desk and I wish I could give you a chance to have those memories but just remember you will never not be in her thoughts and she will always miss and love you!

Another one of the first things that I thought about when we found out you were coming was you being able to have grandparents and to have grandfathers which was something I never was able to have. I felt sad that Nana Mary was not going to be able to be in the delivery room waiting for your arrival because she loved you even before we knew of you. She prayed for you to come so she could spoil you and the one thing that I hold onto is the fact that you are going to be doing everything with her and she will be taking care of you and spoiling you like everyone knew she would have. Your Grandpa Roy loves you so much! He always asks about you every time I go to his house and it is not often that I see Grandpa Roy cry but when we start talking about you and Nana he starts to choke up. Do not look at that as a weakness son because that is just him showing you how much love he has for you. The moment we told him what was wrong he started to pray for you day and night. He prayed that you would be safe and we all know that you will be safe with Jesus and with Nana Mary. Your other Grandparents love you just as much! They have rarely missed an ultrasound of yours! They love to see you play and move and be the little cute rotten boy that you are! Gramma Toni always thinks you are winking at her! That must be your little secret code! Every ultrasound she swears she saw you blink your eyes and no one else sees it happen! She made you the cutest little hats to wear when you are born! I hope you can feel the love that went into making them when you wear them! Papaw Steve loves to share with people about you and he always makes sure to give you a little rub when he is saying bye or good night to you. Grandma Toni and Papaw Steve have done so much for you and I just want you to know that they love you with all their hearts and they are going to miss you all the time. Watch over them and let them know that you are always there with them and you will never leave as long as they keep thinking about you.

Son I know this is hard and I know that we do not understand why this had to happen but there is a reason for everything! I have always believed that and even though that is really hard to live by in times like this because none of this seems fair but there is a reason. I know that it is not fair to you or to any of us. There are so many things you are going to miss out on doing with us but one day we will all be together again and we will do all of the things we have ever dreamed of doing. We just have to hold on to the memories that we have and the ones that we are going to make and just always remember that love never fades and memories can live on forever if we let them. I promise that I will always put you first in everything I do and that I will always try to make you proud. I know there are going to be times when I let you down and when I fail but know that I love you and I am trying my best. I feel like there is something that I should have done or not have done to be able to protect you and I am sorry that I have let you down and was not able to do so. A parent should always protect their children and this was not something that I could accomplish and again I would trade everything I have to change things and would honestly take your place. You are so perfect and innocent but I want you to know that you have done more in 9 months than most people do in their life time. You have helped so many people see things differently and have helped people in similar situations get through them easier just by being you and by sharing your heart with everyone is a super power that not many have. I am sorry for repeating myself some but I just want you to know how special you are and how much I love you. You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened in my life and I thank you for that son.

I feel like I have written a bunch of words but I have not been able to tell you how much you mean to me. I miss you so much already and you are still here laying safe in your mommy's tummy and I still miss you.

Son just never forget how much you are loved and how much you will be missed. Please watch over your Mama she will need you to help her get through this. Let her know that you are always right beside her and that you will always love her. When you look down on us and you see us having a hard day and evening crying just know that it is nothing you did wrong; during those times we are just really missing you and during the rough times is when we love you the most. You are a precious gift that has been given to us for so many reasons but there are reasons that God and Nana needed you more and needed you sooner.

I will always love you and never forget you! I am proud that you are my son and I hope that everyday you will be able to say that you are proud of me. Just remember, we are going to meet again one day and when that happens we will never be apart again there will be no sickness and no death that we have to worry about separating us again!

Always and forever,

Love Dad!